On online dating

A lot of people are doing the online dating thing these days, which I guess is a good thing, but I’d like to share some few light-hearted anecdotes I have come across in my time – yes, from my experience.

The first thing you may wonder is why do people try online dating? In fact, I think it’s better to ask what kind of people try it? The main reason people fear online dating is because they imagine that all those into online dating are either serial killers who will murder them at the restaurant they’ve agreed to meet at for dinner, or they are people who only want anonymous casual sex not “dating”, or they may believe that online dating sites are populated by the computer geeks who don’t actually leave the side of their computers to go out into the “real world”. This is mostly a false stereotype; but I could tell you a little more about the real people who try online dating. I say real people because I have met a fair few of them, either through the usual means (my friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc) or people I personally have met by this method.

So why do people - people like you or me - try online dating? Because they want to meet people to date, right? Isn’t that the point? Yes! So, none of the people I have known have told me that they wanted to try online dating for the anonymous sex, to scam vulnerable people, or to rape or murder someone. So you’d think these people would be in the minority, right? Right. So who is doing all the online dating, then? I’d say 40% are “normal” people who are sick and tired of waiting around for the right person to show up through the traditional means of meeting people at a bar or through mutual friends. Another 48% or so are also people sick of waiting around to meet someone through traditional means, but have actually struggled to succeed in this because of some serious character flaws like being emotionally unstable or unavailable, scarily bordering on being a stalker, and/or having some sort of psychiatric/personality disorder. The rest are the sex maniacs looking strictly for quick hook-ups (probably behind the wife’s back) (2%), and scammers trying the modern version of “gold-digging” to make some money off the vulnerable (10%).

So if you’re of the normal 40% of people who try online dating, how do you avoid the 60% of online daters you don’t want to end up dating? Well, I’d like to just share some tips on the language of online dating I have found. When you read people’s profiles on dating sites no-one writes on there that they are obese, unemployed, diagnosed with a mental disorder, homeless, have poor dentition, are arrogant little brats, or anything of the sort. No, they tell you that they “love to travel”, or “they enjoy spending time with family and friends”, that they’re “fun-loving”, “creative”, “enjoy exercising”, “love BBQs”, “enjoy movies”…  which could be just about anyone on the planet! Someone on an online-dating site blog once said, ‘if you’re so great, why are you single and on here?’. My point exactly. So you have to be smart about reading what people say about themselves the same way you have to be discerning when reading what real estate agents write about the properties they are trying to sell. Here’s a little list of online dating translations I’ve noted:

Love animals = Crazy cat lady. Never want to have children. Ever.

Vegetarian = Militant animal activist (Nothing wrong with being a vegetarian, but if they tell you this on their profile, they’ll shout “Murderer!” if you order a non-vegetarian dish at dinner.)

Cute = Obese

Fun = Crazy and/or alcoholic

Love to travel = Unstable

Enjoy life = Unemployed

Love ink (aka ‘love tattoos’) = Unemployed, drug-addicted, alcoholic, physically-aggressive, and/or ex-prisoner.

Creative = Working menial jobs while waiting for their “big break”, but in the meantime you're paying for all outings.

Educated / Have a degree = Arrogant prick

Don’t read books much = Can’t read, never finished primary school

I don’t want any drama = I am a drama queen, possibly a stalker

Bubbly = Friendly alcoholic

Open-minded = Hippy and/or psychotic

I don’t want a mini-me = I hate myself, you, and all of society

Easy-going = I don’t have any of my own opinions or preferences

Over the bar and club scene = I have STDs

I love my job = I have no actual time to get to know anyone, but I just don’t want to list my relationship status as ‘single’ anymore

I enjoy going for long walks = I enjoy masturbating… often. Also, I’m unemployed and have no car

I like to spoil that special someone = I will stalk you until you love me, or the restraining order do us part

…If that’s you, contact me = I guarantee I will have sex with you on the first date

I hope that helps someone avoid the 60% of fruit-loops out there in the online dating game. Learn from my fails. J

And never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, should you date someone who says “I don’t want any drama". They love it! Especially if the police have to get involved!

On the Eminem thing

People think I’m trying to be purposely funny when I describe myself in the “About Me” section as being like Eminem. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never met Marshall Mathers III, and I’ve never even had the good fortune of being to an Eminem concert. I identify a lot with most of the lyrics of Eminem’s songs, though. A lot of people must; he sells records in the millions of copies. Personally I believe he is a great expressionist, and not only that, he has a very common human story.

There is an Eminem song (Same song & dance) where he is considering different ways to tell his crush how he feels about her (he’s a shy, socially-awkward person like so many of us) and he postulates: "Should I cut off one of my ears and mail it to her? Send her pictures of my collections of skeletons? Or footage of me impaling myself on an elephant's tusk?" This kind of strategy may not occur to everyone, but it does to Eminem because he is he and he thinks the way he does… I keep a small collection of animal skeletons and to me Eminem’s proposition of sharing something dear to him does not seem strange.

I won’t go try to analyse Eminem’s lyrics for anyone, but I would like to share some of them which are the reason I identify with him so much. I guess, the way Jorge Luis Borge’s words always come to mind: ‘each man is every man’ and each man’s story is shared by every man. I have been the “dark phase” Eminem, as much as I have been the Eminem who rejoices in his blessings. We all have to different degrees, I think J

I'm not afraid /To take a stand

Everybody /Come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just lettin’ you know that you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road…

****

I got some skeletons in my closet /and I don't know if no one knows it /So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it /I'm-a expose it... (Cleaning Out my Closet)

Well since age twelve, I've felt like I'm someone else /’Cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt...

And by the way, when you see my dad, /Tell him that I slit his throat in this dream I had. (My Name is)

All I know is I don't want to follow in the footsteps of my dad /’cause I hate him so bad /The worst fear that I had /was growing up to be like his f*ckin’ ass /Man if you could understand /why I am the way that I am... I never dreamt I'd get to the level that I'm at /This is whack! This is more than I ever could have asked... (Saying Goodbye to Hollywood)

Yo, never was a thug, just infatuated with guns...

/I'm a soldier, these shoulders hold up so much /They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up... (Soldier)

My thoughts are sporadic /I act like I'm an addict /I rap like I'm addicted to smack... (‘Til I Collapse)

Sometimes I feel so alone /I just don't know /feels like I been down this road before /So lonely and cold /it's like something takes over me /Soon as I go home and close the door. (Deja Vu)

I'm just so f*ckin' depressed /I just can seem to get out this slump... I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humour /Everything is so tense and gloom... (Beautiful)

Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds /It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me...

But what's this sh*t you said about you like to cut your wrists too? /I say that sh*t just clownin’, dog /C'mon, how f*cked up is you? /You got some issues, Stan. I think you need some counselling... (Stan)

If I, were to die murdered in cold blood tomorrow /Would you feel sorrow or show love, or would it matter?...

But there's way too much at stake for me to be fake /There's too much on my plate, I’ve come way /too far in this game to turn and walk away...

The only way I'm leavin’ this bitch is suicide... I'm not what ya think /I appear to be f*cked up, mentally endangered /I can't stay away from a razor...

 It hurts when you see your friends turn their back on you, dog /And you ain't got nothing’ left but your word and your balls /And you're stressed from the calls of your new friends /Begging with their hands out...

Death itself can hurt me /Just the thought of dyin’ alone that really irks me (When the Music Stops)

Sometimes I think, there's nothing to live for /I almost break down and cry /Sometimes I think I'm crazy; I'm crazy, oh so crazy! /Why am I here? Am I just wastin’ my time?..

People make jokes, cos they don't understand me /They just don't see my real side /I act like shit don't phase me /Inside it drives me crazy /My insecurities could eat me alive... Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders /Everyone's leanin’ on me /Sometimes it feels like the world's almost over... (Hailie’s Song)

I never would have dreamed in a million years I'd see /so many motherf*ckin’ people, who feel like me /Who share the same views and the same exact beliefs /It's like a f*ckin ARMY marching in back of me (White America)

Yet everybody just feels like they can relate /I guess words are a motherf*cker, they can be great /or they can degrade. Or even worse, they can teach hate /It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make /like they worship us... They say music can alter moods and talk to you /Well can it load a gun up for you and cock it too?... That's why we sing for these kids who don't have a thing /except for a dream and a f*ckin’ rap magazine /Who post pin-up pictures on they walls all day long /Idolize they favourite rappers and know all they songs /Or for anyone who's ever been through sh*t in they lives /'Til they sit and they cry at night wishin’ they'd die /'Til they throw on a rap record and they sit and they vibe /We're nothin to you - but we're the f*ckin’ sh*t in they eyes /That's why we seize the moment, try to freeze it and own it /Squeeze it and hold it, cause we consider these minutes golden /And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone, just let our spirits live on /through our lyrics that you hear in our songs... (Sing For the Moment)

(If it looks like you’ve seen this before, I have posted most of it on my facebook notes before.)

On serial killers

I’ve been reading about Jeffrey Dahmer, a reformed Christian. They analysed, or at least reported, on his childhood – it was ok! (That’s not surprise; it’s sarcasm.) He grew up and turns out he liked sex, kinky stuff, and saw nothing troublesome about consuming human flesh. The bad part is his partners, even if they had consented to the sex games, it’s believed that they didn’t consent to dying or being eaten. That’s assumed because at least one guy tried to make an escape, and most, it is believed, were drugged before being killed.

I’ve recently bought a book about male serial killers, and the grouping seems rather arbitrary. What exactly, then, is a serial killer? A person who acts or reacts with intentional killing of another human being. But that’s about where commonality ends. Motives are mostly different, as are tactics, intent, and “victims”. Do I sympathise? And if I did? What I mean to say is that I can’t and won’t judge those who aren’t me or share what is in me. People ask ‘are these serial killers evil or are they mad?’ Are there no other options?

There are a lot of people who like kinky sex. Problem? Not in this society. There are a lot of people who will consume whatever as food, regardless of other’s opinion of its taste or other aspect of its nature. Whales, snakes, endangered animals, insects, gastropods, pork, and human flesh have all been fair game (think of the Uruguayan rugby team in the Andes, as an example). Problem? No. Different cultures, different tastes, different times and circumstances. There’s a lot of people who kill – even in masses. Soldiers, victims of violence, governments, for example. Problem? People may cringe, and maybe rightly so, but history tells us that killing, if not wrong, is at the very least not uncommon human behaviour.

So is Jeffrey Dahmer so far from “normal” humans? I’d argue that he’s not all that far removed from common.