On punches

One thing that has really been irking me in the last few weeks is the negative stereotype that is getting peddled about the men who (accidentally) kill or seriously injure other men with one punch. I mean, I know, the media is telling us that it's only the other guy's story matters and the guy who threw the punch is a "coward", a monster, someone who should have known better. They call the punches that result in such grave injuries a "king hit", a "coward punch". Now, I believe, that had these punches not resulted in these grave injuries, they would have been called an "awesome hit", a "hero punch", a "champion move" or something positive like that. Why do I say that? Because the truth is so often we do glorify violence and displays of machismo like that. It's literally like that saying, 'it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt'.

Now is about the point where people tell me I've got it all wrong, that the men punching other men like this are thugs and demons and simply bad people. They're not people like us, they're different. You know, because the rest of us apparently don't delight in violence in movies, we don't cheer on contact competitive sports, and we haven't been responsible for making "ultimate fighting" so popular on television that we now want to enroll our children into mixed martial arts lessons so they can be the next cage-fighting champion. I know, I know, witnessing violence doesn't make people violent, right? Probably not, but the case is often that art imitates life and not the other way around. It's not that things magically appear on television and we want to do exactly like it; I think its more that television executives observe what the rest of us like and want to put that in television so we can relate and watch their shows (and buy advertised products, etc). Generally, we like to watch what we already like. But I digress... What I'm meaning to say is that the people punching other people are often regular people like us who make very poor decisions,and those decisions lead to poor consequences. These decisions themselves are often predisposed by (usually) alcohol and/or other drugs, peer pressure, and the other unique social pressures men in our society face.

I once heard a woman praising her child for having punched another boy in the abdomen. She was proud of him for having demanded his own respect via violence. She was proud of him because by his behaviour this boy had shown he was becoming a "man". And she was proud of him because  that other child was not her child. Now, this woman is an otherwise very well-intentioned human being and mother, but she has learnt to have the same expectations a lot of us have of how men ought to behave. Men do not sit down and talk about their indifferences, they should fight them out physically. Men should show their superiority and demand their pride be respected by physical displays of strength. Men need to consume as much alcohol as their bodies will tolerate so they are not thought of as "wimps" by their peers. Men should be muscular. Muscular and strong men have a right to pick on less muscular and physically less-strong men. Men in the company of others must always seek to be seen to be the stronger one. These are the kind of pressures men face most days. Even the female partners of men often demand this behaviour of them. For example, how many of us have seen a man who disrespects another man's partner, and then this partner demands that he "be a man" and confront the other man (usually verbally, but with the expectation that use of physical violence is acceptable too). And that's just it, we've created a society where people are taught that violence sometimes is an option, and that option is higher up in the hierarchy of options if you're a man.

The reality is that a lot of us have felt angry at times - and a lot of us have wanted to react violently at times when we were angry. A lot of people have also faced the situation where they were so intoxicated that their usual inhibitions were lowered, where they're more susceptible to make bad choices. Hey, some of these people sometimes punch others too. I'd say more often than not, they are barely thinking of the potential consequences of their actions. I mean, these are normal people making bad choices that are tainted as the big bad demons when one of their punches cause another person a serious injury. There is no point in ruining their reputation either or calling them a coward. But here is where I do lay some blame on the media.

The media knows what we like, what human beings are used to and expect. And we all love stories of villains and victims, of good guys and bad guys, of heroes and cowards. So that is what the media feeds us: a poor young innocent man being a model citizen who is randomly targeted by a devil who attacks him with superhuman strength and intending to cause maximum damage. I'd say that if a person gets punched while they're in church with their eyes closed praying, or while alone in a library, lost in thought, reading a book, then that's pretty cowardly - and, yes, that's exactly like the kind of the story the media sell to us... but it's not usually the whole one.There is never mention that these kinds of things actually usually happen in areas filled with intoxicated persons, in the late hours of night, and what other combustants for social disorder are about. I'm certainly not saying that you deserve to get punched in the head if you happen to want to have some fun out in the town at the early hours of the morning where others are consuming drugs or alcohol, I'm simply saying some situations are inherently more dangerous. This is why our parents warned us about these situations. It's not all about inherently-bad people and inherently-innocent people.

How about if instead of negatively-labeling certain men who get caught up in bad situations, we do something a little more productive?  I don't have the answers, but perhaps we need to start asking better questions. Something like what role does alcohol play in violence? what other factors contribute to violence? how can we better educate men about avoiding violence rather than retroactively calling them 'cowards' and 'thugs'? what would be some alternative/healthier measures of masculinity we can inculcate into our young men to aspire to? These are just my opinions and suggestions, but maybe it needs to be something more of us think about.

On the Eminem thing

People think I’m trying to be purposely funny when I describe myself in the “About Me” section as being like Eminem. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never met Marshall Mathers III, and I’ve never even had the good fortune of being to an Eminem concert. I identify a lot with most of the lyrics of Eminem’s songs, though. A lot of people must; he sells records in the millions of copies. Personally I believe he is a great expressionist, and not only that, he has a very common human story.

There is an Eminem song (Same song & dance) where he is considering different ways to tell his crush how he feels about her (he’s a shy, socially-awkward person like so many of us) and he postulates: "Should I cut off one of my ears and mail it to her? Send her pictures of my collections of skeletons? Or footage of me impaling myself on an elephant's tusk?" This kind of strategy may not occur to everyone, but it does to Eminem because he is he and he thinks the way he does… I keep a small collection of animal skeletons and to me Eminem’s proposition of sharing something dear to him does not seem strange.

I won’t go try to analyse Eminem’s lyrics for anyone, but I would like to share some of them which are the reason I identify with him so much. I guess, the way Jorge Luis Borge’s words always come to mind: ‘each man is every man’ and each man’s story is shared by every man. I have been the “dark phase” Eminem, as much as I have been the Eminem who rejoices in his blessings. We all have to different degrees, I think J

I'm not afraid /To take a stand

Everybody /Come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just lettin’ you know that you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road…

****

I got some skeletons in my closet /and I don't know if no one knows it /So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it /I'm-a expose it... (Cleaning Out my Closet)

Well since age twelve, I've felt like I'm someone else /’Cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt...

And by the way, when you see my dad, /Tell him that I slit his throat in this dream I had. (My Name is)

All I know is I don't want to follow in the footsteps of my dad /’cause I hate him so bad /The worst fear that I had /was growing up to be like his f*ckin’ ass /Man if you could understand /why I am the way that I am... I never dreamt I'd get to the level that I'm at /This is whack! This is more than I ever could have asked... (Saying Goodbye to Hollywood)

Yo, never was a thug, just infatuated with guns...

/I'm a soldier, these shoulders hold up so much /They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up... (Soldier)

My thoughts are sporadic /I act like I'm an addict /I rap like I'm addicted to smack... (‘Til I Collapse)

Sometimes I feel so alone /I just don't know /feels like I been down this road before /So lonely and cold /it's like something takes over me /Soon as I go home and close the door. (Deja Vu)

I'm just so f*ckin' depressed /I just can seem to get out this slump... I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humour /Everything is so tense and gloom... (Beautiful)

Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds /It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me...

But what's this sh*t you said about you like to cut your wrists too? /I say that sh*t just clownin’, dog /C'mon, how f*cked up is you? /You got some issues, Stan. I think you need some counselling... (Stan)

If I, were to die murdered in cold blood tomorrow /Would you feel sorrow or show love, or would it matter?...

But there's way too much at stake for me to be fake /There's too much on my plate, I’ve come way /too far in this game to turn and walk away...

The only way I'm leavin’ this bitch is suicide... I'm not what ya think /I appear to be f*cked up, mentally endangered /I can't stay away from a razor...

 It hurts when you see your friends turn their back on you, dog /And you ain't got nothing’ left but your word and your balls /And you're stressed from the calls of your new friends /Begging with their hands out...

Death itself can hurt me /Just the thought of dyin’ alone that really irks me (When the Music Stops)

Sometimes I think, there's nothing to live for /I almost break down and cry /Sometimes I think I'm crazy; I'm crazy, oh so crazy! /Why am I here? Am I just wastin’ my time?..

People make jokes, cos they don't understand me /They just don't see my real side /I act like shit don't phase me /Inside it drives me crazy /My insecurities could eat me alive... Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders /Everyone's leanin’ on me /Sometimes it feels like the world's almost over... (Hailie’s Song)

I never would have dreamed in a million years I'd see /so many motherf*ckin’ people, who feel like me /Who share the same views and the same exact beliefs /It's like a f*ckin ARMY marching in back of me (White America)

Yet everybody just feels like they can relate /I guess words are a motherf*cker, they can be great /or they can degrade. Or even worse, they can teach hate /It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make /like they worship us... They say music can alter moods and talk to you /Well can it load a gun up for you and cock it too?... That's why we sing for these kids who don't have a thing /except for a dream and a f*ckin’ rap magazine /Who post pin-up pictures on they walls all day long /Idolize they favourite rappers and know all they songs /Or for anyone who's ever been through sh*t in they lives /'Til they sit and they cry at night wishin’ they'd die /'Til they throw on a rap record and they sit and they vibe /We're nothin to you - but we're the f*ckin’ sh*t in they eyes /That's why we seize the moment, try to freeze it and own it /Squeeze it and hold it, cause we consider these minutes golden /And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone, just let our spirits live on /through our lyrics that you hear in our songs... (Sing For the Moment)

(If it looks like you’ve seen this before, I have posted most of it on my facebook notes before.)

On homosexuality, the DSM, and Pedophilia...

When I was younger people used to tell me that homosexual people were bad, that they were defective, that they were evil. These people were well-meaning religious clerics, family, family friends, school teachers, and other respectable adults. I emphasize well-meaning because their attitudes were not what we now commonly refer to as homophobic, discriminatory, judgemental, ignorant, or bigoted. Their views reflected a common majority view. They weren’t bad people saying derogatory things about a minority group of people; they were just repeating what was common thought at the time. These were good people.

Now, the common view at the time –that homosexual persons were sexual deviants, less than healthy “normal” humans- was grounded in the scientific and medical descriptions accepted until very late in human history. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) classified homosexuality as a mental disorder until as late as 1973, as did the World Health Organisation in its International Classification of Diseases (ICD). Gradually in a period since the mid 1970s the classification of mental illness was ratified with increasing knowledge of prevalence and non-observance of the common disclaimer in these classification systems: “the symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning”. If a behaviour is sufficiently common and does not cause significant negative outcomes, then it is a tough call to call it a mental disorder.

Of course, the other thing that happened since the inception of the DSM and similar classification systems and the 1970s was the so-called “sexual revolution” of the 1960s. The sexual revolution abolished many taboos (or perhaps constraints) on sexual activity. One such taboo was that of sexual activity between members of the same (phenotypic) sex. As a result of the sexual revolution a lot of people came to experiment with all different forms of sexual expression, although most commonly this was frequent non-monogamous heterosexual intercourse. So one could pose the question, did this social breakdown of a variety of sexual taboos (at the time they called it something akin to generalised immorality or looseness) lead to the increased acceptance of the people who engage in homosexual activity just because homosexual interaction happened to be one of those taboos? Perhaps, but it most likely was also (at least in addition) due to the lack of findings of “dysfunction” from medical and scientific point of views.

Recently I attended a talk on psychopathology, or, actually, the classification of mental disorders. The question was posed: what is a mental disorder? Something that is inherently bad? Something bad because some scientists and medical doctors said so? Something that makes the affected person or ones associated to him or her feel bad? Something that makes the affected person unable to function effectively or satisfactorily in his micro- or macrocosm? A behaviour that is uncommon in a particular environment or situation? A behaviour politicians and lawmakers decided is bad? A behaviour that a large proportion of the person’s peers would judge unreasonable or bad? Now, regarding homosexuality and its transition in classification systems from “bad” to “normal”, we could answer this question in many of the dimensions posed above. But my point is not to argue “homosexuality: good or bad?” but rather to provide a backdrop to one scenario posed to me, which at first sight scared me deeply, so I want to finally address it and put it to rest.

Now, to speak of the scenario posed to me (and that use to plague me), I have to first emphasize I’m playing devil’s advocate here. As I mentioned before, I grew up being told that homosexuality is bad, homosexuals are deviants, abnormal, less than, etc. Gradually that story changed and homosexual persons became persons (foremost) who happened to engage in homosexual activity. What if it were possible that this happen to other behaviours currently considered "abnormal"; that they also went from being described by others as “bad” to now being described as “normal”? And this change could come about through change in social attitude or the discovery of a high prevalence of the condition. After all, if all the people of the town are crazy and the king is sane, then for being a sane minority the king will be considered crazy by the townsfolk. The scenario posed was about pedophilia.

The DSM-IV-TR classifies pedophilia as a paraphilia in which there are “over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviours involving sexual activity with a pre-pubescent child or children; and the person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child”. Of course, it includes the common DSM disclaimer, “the fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviours cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupation, or other important areas of functioning”. Now consider a world where pedophilia occurs in every culture and ethnic group, in members of different socioeconomic classes, includes members from across all professions and trades; a world where 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys are sexually interfered with by an adult; and a world where people have become too accustomed to saying “it’s OK because everyone does it”. This is exactly the world we live in! So is it purely OK, really “normal”, if prevalence rates are high enough? (I hope not.)

In a hypothetical new and vile world, imagine seeing children talking to each other in a playground. One asks, ‘so when did your daddy devirginize you’? The other answers, ‘I was six. Hurt like hell. Now we only do it in the shed every week when mum’s not home’. A third one says, ‘you’re lucky. My mum’s friend did me when I was four – and I can’t even remember the first time’. Cut ahead to a generation from that and cutting scars on human forearms have become the norm so much that you’d think this is how we were born, with multiple lacerations tracking from our wrists to our shoulders. There’s no taboo about it. The kids go out with daddy for their fishing and “playing” trips. Mum knows, dad is not ashamed, and the children all share their common carnal knowledge amongst themselves at school. The mental disorder classification books no longer include any lifestyle choices or paraphilias anymore....

But wait, to wake yourself up from this nightmare, remember that one disclaimer in the definitions of illness: “the symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning”. Despite the unfortunately high prevalence of pedophilia in this world, the fact that it is harmful makes it not classifiable as a variant of normality we will/should all just accept. Child sexual abuse has no advantages except to the perpetrator, it’s an abuse relationship, a two-party transaction with only one person benefiting. In legal terms they would equate this to at least theft. You can’t steal from a child and say he consented because he would trade in a bar of gold for a simple candy, lacking that knowledge of how things done today can affect your whole life to come. You can’t just say homosexuality is the same as pedophilia because they are both types of sexual interactions; so is heterosexual intercourse, and why do less people compare that to pedophilia? Because there are differences!

From 2006 to 2010 there existed a political party in the Netherlands (PVND) that provided political advocacy for pedophile groups and organisations. One of their agendas was to legalize child pornography and to lower the legal age of consent to sex down to 12 years old. Commonly pedophile groups argue that children have the ability (and so the right) to enjoy sexual activity alone, with their peers, or with an older adult. Consequently, they argue, if the child consents to the sexual contact, then it should be legal for the adult/s to engage so with them. They’ll go so far as to argue that sexual contact with children is “good for them” and their development. Of course the issue that is of concern to other (non-pedophile) adults is that children’s ability to consent is limited by their experience and knowledge of consequences. A child can know that candy has a pleasant flavour, for example, and he can decide / consent to eat that given to him by his parent or friend, but the consequences of eating a piece of candy (e.g. early tooth decay, or not wanting to eat the rest of his dinner afterwards) are hardly the same as “consenting” to sexual activity. The consequences of childhood sexual abuse are commonly seen in our psychiatric wards, in the patients we all struggle to interact with: the personality disordered, the limitless cases of deliberate self-injury and drug abuse, the repeat victims of domestic abuse who go around either recreating or trying to erase their childhood experiences. This is too sad – and the worst thing we can do is blame the child, say he or she “consented”.

Pedophiles abuse people; they cause harm. This is not a time- or era-dependent opinion. It is so not the same as homosexuality or heterosexuality or any other way competently-consenting adults choose to interact sexually. And I think we have all come to that same conclusion. The only thing for us as a society still to debate about this and many other negative actions towards other human beings (e.g. murder) is whether such acts constitute criminality or mental illness, and which are the best ways to decrease our childhood sexual abuse rates.

(Sorry for the discussion on homosexuality together with pedophilia, I was obviously mainly aiming to contrast not compare.)