A lot of people are doing the online dating thing these days, which I guess is a good thing, but I’d like to share some few light-hearted anecdotes I have come across in my time – yes, from my experience.
The first thing you may wonder is why do people try online dating? In fact, I think it’s better to ask what kind of people try it? The main reason people fear online dating is because they imagine that all those into online dating are either serial killers who will murder them at the restaurant they’ve agreed to meet at for dinner, or they are people who only want anonymous casual sex not “dating”, or they may believe that online dating sites are populated by the computer geeks who don’t actually leave the side of their computers to go out into the “real world”. This is mostly a false stereotype; but I could tell you a little more about the real people who try online dating. I say real people because I have met a fair few of them, either through the usual means (my friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc) or people I personally have met by this method.
So why do people - people like you or me - try online dating? Because they want to meet people to date, right? Isn’t that the point? Yes! So, none of the people I have known have told me that they wanted to try online dating for the anonymous sex, to scam vulnerable people, or to rape or murder someone. So you’d think these people would be in the minority, right? Right. So who is doing all the online dating, then? I’d say 40% are “normal” people who are sick and tired of waiting around for the right person to show up through the traditional means of meeting people at a bar or through mutual friends. Another 48% or so are also people sick of waiting around to meet someone through traditional means, but have actually struggled to succeed in this because of some serious character flaws like being emotionally unstable or unavailable, scarily bordering on being a stalker, and/or having some sort of psychiatric/personality disorder. The rest are the sex maniacs looking strictly for quick hook-ups (probably behind the wife’s back) (2%), and scammers trying the modern version of “gold-digging” to make some money off the vulnerable (10%).
So if you’re of the normal 40% of people who try online dating, how do you avoid the 60% of online daters you don’t want to end up dating? Well, I’d like to just share some tips on the language of online dating I have found. When you read people’s profiles on dating sites no-one writes on there that they are obese, unemployed, diagnosed with a mental disorder, homeless, have poor dentition, are arrogant little brats, or anything of the sort. No, they tell you that they “love to travel”, or “they enjoy spending time with family and friends”, that they’re “fun-loving”, “creative”, “enjoy exercising”, “love BBQs”, “enjoy movies”… which could be just about anyone on the planet! Someone on an online-dating site blog once said, ‘if you’re so great, why are you single and on here?’. My point exactly. So you have to be smart about reading what people say about themselves the same way you have to be discerning when reading what real estate agents write about the properties they are trying to sell. Here’s a little list of online dating translations I’ve noted:
Love animals = Crazy cat lady. Never want to have children. Ever.
Vegetarian = Militant animal activist (Nothing wrong with being a vegetarian, but if they tell you this on their profile, they’ll shout “Murderer!” if you order a non-vegetarian dish at dinner.)
Cute = Obese
Fun = Crazy and/or alcoholic
Love to travel = Unstable
Enjoy life = Unemployed
Love ink (aka ‘love tattoos’) = Unemployed, drug-addicted, alcoholic, physically-aggressive, and/or ex-prisoner.
Creative = Working menial jobs while waiting for their “big break”, but in the meantime you're paying for all outings.
Educated / Have a degree = Arrogant prick
Don’t read books much = Can’t read, never finished primary school
I don’t want any drama = I am a drama queen, possibly a stalker
Bubbly = Friendly alcoholic
Open-minded = Hippy and/or psychotic
I don’t want a mini-me = I hate myself, you, and all of society
Easy-going = I don’t have any of my own opinions or preferences
Over the bar and club scene = I have STDs
I love my job = I have no actual time to get to know anyone, but I just don’t want to list my relationship status as ‘single’ anymore
I enjoy going for long walks = I enjoy masturbating… often. Also, I’m unemployed and have no car
I like to spoil that special someone = I will stalk you until you love me, or the restraining order do us part
…If that’s you, contact me = I guarantee I will have sex with you on the first date
I hope that helps someone avoid the 60% of fruit-loops out there in the online dating game. Learn from my fails. J
And never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, should you date someone who says “I don’t want any drama". They love it! Especially if the police have to get involved!
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