On addictions... and my dating challenges

When I was studying psychology, one of the areas that most interested me was the field of study into addiction. It interested because a lot of human behaviour can be thought of as addictions. A lot of the things that hurt us, the very human psychological things that hurt us, we are also ironically addicted to. Hold on, but no ones like to hurt – how can we be addicted to it? Quite simply because often it is all we know how to do well. If there is one thing that is more unpleasant to humans than pain, it is change.

Think of the common scenario of a person who smokes cigarettes. Why do they smoke? Because smoking feels good! The nicotine gives you a rush, triggers off the pleasure centres of the brain, etc. Basically we smoke because psychologically we experience it as something pleasant. Why should we not smoke? Well, there’s that whole thing about lung cancer, heart disease, stroke, bladder cancers, etc. etc. But what would happen if a person who smokes stops smoking? Seriously, what will happen to that person psychologically? The truth is that the smoker can’t answer that so easily, if at all. What to do next time you’re bored or in a crowd where everyone else is drinking and smoking? What does emotion feel like without the nicotine? How to relax? How to motivate yourself? All these things that we once were reliant on the nicotine and the simple act of putting a lit cigarette to your mouth for is now so full of unknowns. The unknown is incredibly frightening, no matter how tough you are! So why face this really scary thing? Why?..

There are very few smokers out there who don’t know about lung cancer and cardiovascular disease, but there are a lot more who do know about this and yet fear something greater. But what could potentially be worse than respiratory or vascular disease? Change! The unknown! Mental anxiety! Us humans will do almost anything to avoid these most horrible of things. This is why it’s so hard to quit smoking or using any other mind-altering drug or quit just about any behaviour we engage in repetitively. Everyone has their list of things they’re addicted to. We call them addictions because they are things we engage in repetitively despite the negative consequences (physically or mentally) of engaging in these things.

I keep getting into these relationships that don’t seem to last. I want them to last. I think I try my best. I date different sorts of people to see if that helps, but it’s still the same consequence: Vanessa is almost always single. But why? Is everyone out there defective? No! That’s the reason I think I want to date these people in the first place; they seem OK. So the common factor in all the people I date is me. Woah! Yes, my ego has just taken quite a blow in admitting that, but it’s worthwhile to discuss this even if it hurts. And I had to admit this because I want to change, to end this cycle of constant rejection…

There’s a great book I read in my undergraduate years called ‘Excessive appetites: a psychological view on addictions’ by Jim Orford. It quoted this other author in something which I took very much to heart:

“… in the acquisition of a new habit or the leaving off of an old one, we must take care to launch ourselves with as strong and decided initiative as possible. Accumulate all the possible circumstances which shall re-enforce the right motives; put yourself assiduously in conditions that encourage the new way; make engagements incompatible with the old; take a public pledge, if the case allows; in short, envelop your resolution with every aid you know” (James, 1891)

I made my resolution: when I saw something I wanted, I would go in 100%. It worked marvelously in some things in my life. When I finished off my science degree and didn’t immediately get accepted into medical school, I enrolled in an honours course. It wasn’t what I wanted but I thought I’d give it a try. Everyone kept telling me it’s ok, medical research isn’t that different to clinical medicine, etc. They told me to pursue it, even. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted and instead of pursuing plan B or C or D, I decided to burn all my bridges so that in fact all I had left was plan A. That quote “make engagements incompatible with the old” really stuck with me. I quit my honours course, lost a scholarship, annoyed my supervisors and the university, and risked losing the grades I had worked so hard to attain. There was no way back and no other way than ahead with Plan A: to somehow, but eventually, get into medical school. The gamble paid off; it had to. I would have probably died trying if it hadn't...

Things get a little more complicated, though, when your plans are dependent on another human being. Recently I started to see someone new. I had met someone a little while before them, and they were a good person too. Gee, life is like that, hey! You go through droughts, then you go through floods. I made my decision; I would go in 100%. I ‘made engagements incompatible with the old’. I burnt all my bridges so I’d be left with just the one bridge that lead to the destination I wanted to go. You know what happened? Nothing. I’m still single.

So back to the drawing board I go and I’m starting to realize something about myself. Maybe I’m not a bad person; maybe I’m even what you may call a “good” person, but I am also someone who doesn’t like plans B, C, D, or any other one that isn’t A. And what I hate most is being other people’s plan B, C, or D, etc… But what is it I’m addicted to that keeps me in the position that isn’t foremost in other’s list? That is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to. I’m not there yet, but I won’t accept this latest challenge as defeat :)

-Dedicated to R.V.... and thanks for the feedback :)