On depression and V-Tech

You're going to have to forgive me for reposting from my facebook notes, but I just really want this story shared:


Remembering V-Tech
On April 16, 2007 a guy called Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University. None of this is news, the media called it “the V-Tech massacre” and compared it to the “Columbine shootings”. Why does this interest me? Because Seung-Hui Cho interests me. Many people hate him; others tag him with as many psychiatric diagnoses as possible in order to fathom him as a human being. I think it’s also important to have a listen to how he thought of himself, or what he thought, in general. Here are some non-contiguous excerpts of things he said prior to the massacre/suicide: 

“You had everything you wanted. Your Mercedes wasn't enough, you brats? Your golden necklaces weren't enough, you snobs? Your trust funds wasn't enough? Your vodka and cognac weren’t enough? All your debaucheries weren't enough? Those weren't enough to fulfil your hedonistic needs? You had everything.” 

“Do you know what it feels to be spit on your face and to have trash shoved down your throat? Do you know what it feels like to dig your own grave? Do you know what it feels like to have your throat slashed from ear to ear? Do you know what it feels like to be torched alive? Do you know what it feels like to be humiliated and be impaled on a cross and left to bleed to death for your amusement?
You have never felt a single ounce of pain your whole life. Did you want to inject as much misery in our lives as you can just because you can?”
“You have vandalized my heart, raped my soul and torched my conscience. You thought it was one pathetic boy's life you were extinguishing. Thanks to you, I die like Jesus Christ, to inspire generations of the weak and the defenceless people.”
“I didn't have to do this. I could have left. I could have fled. But no, I will no longer run. If not for me, for my children; for my brothers and sisters that you fucked. I did it for them.”
“When the time came I did it. I had to. “

Now everyone points out the obvious things about these words: 1) He resented those that were wealthier or better off than him, 2) He had something like a grandiose delusion comparing himself to Jesus Christ, 3) He denies responsibility to his actions by saying he “had to” do what he did. And those things may be true, but there’s something else about him that interests me. What if he really was just a normal human being reacting like how any other human being would react in the same situation? There’s this segment in the Bible where someone asks why all the “bad” people seem to get everything that they want and he who tried to live a noble and decent life, didn’t seem to get the same benefits, the same riches. What I’m saying is that the feeling of injustice or unfairness is not a new thing, the Bible is thousands of years old. But beyond a common feeling of experiencing frustration, disappointment, resentment, sadness, or anger at injustice, is something else that then enables or empowers you to act. Could this be mental illness? Could these be the immature coping mechanisms they talk about? Maybe. I’m not an expert. I know about something, though, and some people call it depression. 

What I know about depression is that it’s not the same thing as sadness. Sadness is what you feel when you experience loss or disappointment. Everyone has known sadness. Depression is like when there is nothing left to be sad about. There’s just nothing. No companions, no love, no words that could bring comfort. It’s like having this dark being by your side—always—that follows you around and fills your space. It’s what gives you the courage to fear nothing because nothing outside of it exists. Sadness is almost beauty, a romantic ideal you wish you could at least aspire to. In depression there is no love, no beauty—no sadness, even. It’s a void; a dark space with nothing inside and no walls you could even break through. Therein lies the frustration, and when you have no battles left to fight, you cry. Everyone cries, and most people cry at the moment they realize their defeat. 

You know when you have those dreams that you’re falling into a black hole, but then you wake up and you’re still in your bed? Imagine this, but you keep falling for hours, days, months – and you can’t get used to it. There’s no sense of direction or orientation; nothing you can grasp at and no sensible motion, so although you’re moving and falling, you can’t even feel it. You don’t feel a thing. Nothing. Pretty soon you realize you can’t leave, you can’t scream, you can’t see or experience anything other than complete overwhelment at the nothingness that is your life. You can’t feel and so you stop wanting to. That’s the worst part: when desire finally leaves your soul. Nothing hurts and nothing feels pleasurable; nothing you could care about exists. There is you and outside of you there is only darkness and the void. You can’t touch or be touched. You can’t feel or want to feel. There is nothing to be sad about and you’re not. You’re not sad—you’re dead already. You’re not content or satisfied; those things describe nothing known to you—but you’re not sad, either. To be sad one has to be alive, to long for something. When you’re depressed, you’re no longer alive or wanting. Depressed people don’t commit suicide; they commit euthanasia by physiologically killing what on the inside is already dead. 

That’s one side of the story of why someone could react the way Seung-Hui Cho did (and I am using him only as an example). That argument could explain suicide, but what could possibly explain homicide on such a large scale? I believe it’s not such a large leap. When nothing matters, when you realize you have nothing to lose because the future has already being decided and there are no consequences to fear because you won’t be living with them, then you are the most powerful being around. In this line of thought, it’s quite easy to believe you are a God, with the ability to do as you want, to decide who lives and who dies, to act with ultimate freedom. The knowledge of your power is what allows you to explore all your options, things you may never have even considered before, things like actually hurting random strangers “just because you can”. 

I’m not trying to justify Seung-Hui Cho’s behaviour at the end of his life. But I do believe it’s important to remember “the V-Tech massacre” if only for the reason of trying to understand. George Santayana said “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”. So lest we forget. 

—11/04/2009