On my religion

For many many years people have been telling me that I belong to a cult. My response has always been the same: an emphatic “It’s NOT a cult!” But in the last few weeks, someone else's reasoning has really lead me to question myself if I truly do belong to a cult. Now, I had always prior to this maintained that I could not possibly belong to a cult given that so many people belong to my religion, and besides, even if my religion is not perfect, it is not as bad as others out there (e.g. it does not force me to hand over 10% of my wages to “the church” out of every paycheck; or it doesn't ask that I call another random human being in a robe “father” in direct opposition to biblical scripture, etc. etc.) This kind of reasoning may not be enough, though, after what I've been challenged to think about.

I thought I knew pretty well what a cult was but just for the sake of being well-informed, I looked it up in the dictionary: “a small religious group that is not part of a larger and more accepted religion and that has beliefs regarded by many people as extreme or dangerous”. Well, my religion is certainly not a small group, it has over 7 million members (though small perhaps in comparison to Catholicism, Judaism, and Islam). Are the beliefs of my religion extreme or dangerous, though? No, I always told myself, other religions believe and practice even crazier things!... Well, I think they do. However, if I am honest here, there are many times I have suffered due to the doctrines of my own religion. I have suffered and hurt as a result of some doctrines that I personally find it hard to fathom are truly anything more than man-derived rules rather than true Godly-inspired interpretations of the scriptures. If I am honest - and I want to be - I have to share some of these incidents. Here is a list of some of the things that have come of my religion that have hurt me personally:

• As a kid, after the first few bible meetings, I was told that there was a code on how I should dress to attend meetings. Men must dress “like men”, and women like women. That’s not based on bible principles, I believe, but on what’s tradition. That meant not wearing what I felt most comfortable in (didn't God want me to be me or feel comfortable while rendering him worship?), but wearing what is “traditional”. Tradition? That’s exactly one of the issues I had with my catholic upbringing, doing things for tradition and not because you understand them. So, ever since I have been unable to relax in any meeting or feel like myself. Is that what God’s wants? Does he want my sincere heart and sincere prayer or does he want me distracted by my discomfort while I am meant to be worshiping him in a group? Well, I comply for “tradition”, but one day it would be great to be free of such absurdity again. 

• When I was a teenager and had been attending bible meetings for a few years, I was asked by the elders of the congregation to abstain from doing some things that seemed kind of “wrong”, let’s say. And you know what these ungodly things were? Holding my mother’s hand during prayer and putting my arm around her in an embrace during hymn-time or while we read the scriptures. My whole life I have been very affectionate towards the people I love and I had come to the conclusion that love was a good thing, especially love for your family. No, I was told this was not the case, that I was setting a bad example as my behaviour towards my own mother could be perceived as homosexual… I let that clearly twisted and perverted judgement go because of a scripture that was read to me about not (deliberately) causing other people to think badly of the people in God’s service.

• The most soul-shaking thing to have happened to me within my religion came shortly after that first incident, when I committed what I was told was a very very serious violation of God’s law. I cut my hair short. I am not exaggerating, that was the extent of my “sin”. Again I was pulled up by the elders of the congregation (though I still was not a baptized member of the congregation) and told that I had done wrong. I thought it was a joke and I initially laughed. No, no, this was extremely serious, I was told. The tone changed completely in a few seconds when I was told that (not asked whether) cutting my hair was a vanity-driven act of rebelliousness. Me vain? Me rebellious? Never in my life have those been things that have motivated anything in me. In fact, my whole life is quite the opposite as I am a very shy person. And as one of the elders spoke to me about my evil sin, I must have sat there with my mouth wide open in disbelief since his wife had shorter hair than me! I didn't at the time know what the word hypocrisy even meant, but injustice I was becoming familiar with. Again, I let this slide because at the time I wasn't yet baptized and I was told that had I been, I would most likely have been ex-communicated from the church. I took comfort in this; I thought at least they’re not kicking me out so things could be worse.

• Things did get worse. When I had first become interested in learning more about what I believed to be “true Christianity” and left the catholic faith, I had asked this member of the congregation to help me learn more about the bible and its message. I regarded this girl very highly and eventually (I studied the bible with her some years) I came to think of her as my confidante and friend. What happened was that that same week that I was told that I was evil for cutting my hair short (‘like a man, and unbefitting of a female Christian’), the girl who I thought was my friend came and told me that she would no longer be helping me study the bible anymore. I felt betrayed and like I was kicked in the guts while I was down. I asked why. She said that it was because I essentially was a lost cause. Yes, the blows kept coming. I imagined Jesus was incapable to do this to anyone, even the greatest of murderers and sinners, and yet here I was being judged and told by other humans that I was too far gone. This whole incident triggered what was my first and still most severe episode of depression yet. I was about 19 and I wanted to die.

• Now, eventually after some time, an older lady from the congregation took pity on me and spoke to me again about the bible. I studied with her for some years and she taught me that God’s people may not be perfect and they don’t always get it right but that sometimes you just have to believe, accept, and try to do better. She said it’s not like “blind faith”, though to me it sure did sound a lot like it. I guess I was just very grateful to no longer be so ostracized from people I thought to be good and nice people. I tried even harder this time to things exactly as I was told and not let my own thoughts and questions get the better of me. I did as I was told and not what I truly believed. I really did hesitate for many years on whether to become a baptized member of the congregation (since I had had so little luck even as an un-committed one) but I eventually took the plunge. I convinced myself by this reasoning (which at the time I thought was great): God doesn't care what religion I belong to or whether I am a “full” member or not, he will still judge me if I refrain from doing what is good or knowingly break one of his commandments. It was a literal case of ‘you’re dammed if you do; you’re damned if you don’t’! So I did… I am ashamed now to admit that I "joined up" not because of the benefits I thought having a loving God in my life would bring me, but out of fear of not pleasing this scary God who would just me harshly and punish me by withholding grace from me. And now I wish things I dare not express.

• You’d think that as a full member of my Christian congregation, I would have felt finally like I was in the in-crowd. In fact, the opposite happened. I soon learnt that it’s not judgement by God that I must fear (after all he’s a very forgiving and understanding being), but rather that of my so-called Christian brothers and sisters. When I still attended meetings regularly and strove really hard to do all the things that a good Christian apparently should do, I had managed to make what I thought was a good friend within the congregation. I would visit this girl, hang out and do things together with her, talk all sorts of things, and I’d even spend time with her family, especially her mum who is also a member of the congregation. I thought of this girl as a friend and both she and her mum would encourage me to do more Christian things. I liked this interaction and I thought of it as really uplifting… until they tried to encourage me and instruct me in other ways too.

 I can’t even remember how our conversations started but I figured that as a 20-something year old, one day you will talk about relationships and such. However I started to receive advice I did not ask for and that was delivered not in the most tactful of manners. One particular day, my friend and I had been out on a walk by a lake and were talking about relationships. Then my friend started to say that I don’t dress like someone who is serious about looking for a relationship (well, I actually also wasn't wanting one, but that’s beside the point). I said, well, I thought with this sort of thing, shouldn't you look for someone with whom you share similar ways of thinking etc? No, she said, I needed to wear “prettier” clothes and pants that fit better and a bra that doesn't make my ‘tits look like you’re fifty’. Wow! If she wasn't my friend, she would have made a very hurtful enemy. I felt offended by her comment, and in my mind the question popped up “is this girl really my friend or does she just like driving to the city and bringing her kids to my pool?” I was uneasy the rest of the walk to her house. When we arrived at her house, as if by relay, my alleged-friend’s mother brought a bottle of perfume out to me and sprayed it. She said I should wear it to get men’s attention. She said I should wear make-up too. And wear pants to make my bum stick out so that men get aroused. Really? That’s what I thought, ‘Really? I should wear clothes to make men think about fucking me like the good little Christian we’re all pretending we are here?’ I gave a very polite thank you for all the (unwanted) advice on how to seduce a male member of my congregation. Then I drove home knowing I never could think the same of these people ever again and that I’d never so much as waste a word on them. I must say, I have been so much happier since I got rid of all my so-called Christian “friends”.

• The most recent turn of events was receiving some very nice text messages from another of my Christian “friends”. Gee, she had some very nice and uplifting words to say. She was glad I was OK, that my family was well, that I still attended bible meetings (though only every now and again), and that I was healthy. She in turn was well and she thought it was such a shame that we couldn't hang out anymore because she had moved interstate, etc. etc. It was a very pleasant back-and-forth text conversation. Then to say goodbye she told me explicitly that she had contacted me ONLY to do her Christian duty of encouraging me to go to bible meetings regularly. I said she shouldn't have bothered. I meant that. I have decided after all these years, that I have no patience and no tolerance left for hypocrisy – and that is also the reason I don’t often go to bible meetings anymore.

Back to my original thought of 'do I belong to a cult?' Well, it’s certainly not a small religious group I belong to. However, my religion’s beliefs have been extreme at times, and dangerous and hurtful to me personally too. But the final clincher of the discussion with a (non-Christian) fried on whether I belong to a cult or not came when she asked me “how easy is it to get out?” Wow, that took me aback! I know typically so-called cults are difficult to get out of – well, to put it one way, my religion isn't one that is easy to leave. Don’t get me wrong, I mean it is extremely easy to get yourself kicked out of it, all you have to do is cut your hair short or talk to someone you’re not supposed to, and you’re out. But leaving voluntarily by any other way is extremely difficult. Let me take you through a scenario; let’s all pretend it’s hypothetical too:

There’s a very nice and devoted lady who loves God and loves her family. She is in an emotionally abusive marriage to a man who is not a member of her religion. She, naturally, wants to leave him. Her religion, however, says that it is a sin to divorce her husband unless he has been unfaithful to her with someone else. In other words, emotional abuse is not a valid reason to leave a marriage; and if she were to leave for this reason, she is deemed to be sinning. As a result of her sin, she would be ex-communicated from the church. She doesn't want to be ex-communicated from her church as she believes that she would then forfeit out of benefiting from eternal afterlife in a paradise. Losing this would shatter her life and crush her. She really does not want to lose this. So she stays in her emotionally-abusive marriage suffering every day. She’s trapped!

Now, this lady has five adult children. One of her children is a member of the same church as her mother, but the other four aren't. The lady loves all her children and treats them all with love and kindness, which comes naturally to her. Now, the child who is a member of her church also, her daughter, really wants to have a child of her own. The problem is that the daughter doesn't have and doesn't want a husband to have her child with, as their church mandates. The church says that if the daughter has a child on her own, she will be deemed to have sinned and subsequently will be ex-communicated from the church. The daughter doesn't really care about this. The daughter is at peace with and wants God’s approval only, not those of imperfect men who are elders of the church and at times act as if they were God to pass judgement as if they truly understood the mind and heart of God.  However, the mother doesn't want her daughter to be ex-communicated. You’d think why would she care? Because if this lady’s daughter is ex-communicated, the church will either 1) ex-communicate her also and call her an accomplice to the daughter (you know, for that sin of wanting to have a child), or 2) forbid the mother for life from interacting with her daughter (or that child she may one day have). The daughter does not want to “lose” her mother, she does not want to lose the great relationship they have and that beautiful warm feeling of being loved by a mother. She is petrified to lose this. And she is so regretful to have joined a church that dictates to her mother that if she were to leave, the daughter does not become again like the lady's other 4 children who never were members of the church - but that demands she treat specifically as the worst of the worst sinners. No one wants to be thought of that way to her own mother. The daughter is trapped!

And here I realise I've just described two people trapped in this religion of mine. It’s not small. It has been very hurtful to me. And it has people trapped inside it, trapped by fear of ‘missing out’ or invoking punishment from God. Maybe I do belong to a cult. Maybe God does not approve of this wholly. Maybe God wishes it was better. Maybe what God actually wants is for people to be happy and knows this oppressive religious doctrine is not the way to go about it.

On grace

Why can't you show me your beauty
without all of your thorns?

There are two things that I have always wondered about my spirit. One is "am I really chosen?" And the second is "why would God choose me?"

I came to believe a long time ago that God doesn't get it wrong; that he's all-knowing and infallible. I believe that if God has brought himself to my attention, then it must be for a reason. But I'm not special, am I? How could I be? I'm flesh and bones like anyone else, biological and human matter. How could I be special? I'm not a "good" person. I mean, before choosing to believe what I do about God, I wasn't doing anything particularly good in this world for God to have thought "Yep, there's a good person that I choose to be associated with". No, I wasn't doing anything particularly good then and I'm not doing anything of that nature now either. So why would God focus on me? Part of me recalls that verse (Matthew 7:21-23) where Jesus said that not all of those who invoke his name will be saved, in fact most of those same people, he will call out on their hypocrisy and tell them that they will have no part in heavenly his kingdom. Geez, so is that me? Am I just someone who happens to have knowledge of the biblical scriptures but really I'm not a true Christian?

Then I start thinking best-case scenarios and I think, yes, God did "choose" me to be his follower but I don't know why or for what purpose yet, but it will be revealed. Then I think, even the Hebrew Scriptures have stories of unholy men and women, of Gentiles, that were "chosen" to do good things for God's chosen people but who themselves weren't any better for it. Oh boy, am I just a pawn? Would that even be so bad if God used me, someone who he does not think so highly of, for those of his people that truly do deserve his grace? And what will happen to me when my purpose is served? Will one day my mission and use be complete? Will God one day say "you've done enough" and just leave me on my own? Then a certain panic comes over me because I don't want that. I love him!

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be of use to God. It's not a volunteer position either, because I believe God does give me so so much in this life. But what if I've only benefited from God by receiving all these blessings from him but really he doesn't consider me one of his own, part of his team? I mean, he said himself that the sun shines on the good and bad. What if I've been a very fortunate bystander?... I get all these fears and insecurities in my mind about how "good" a person or how "good" a Christian I'm being that I can work myself up into a paralytic despair.

Then the other day I heard a talk about God's grace and it really breathed hope back into my heart. See, as a Christian I learnt about God's "undeserved kindness". It was always about how great and wonderful God is and how we deserve nothing of all the good things he gives us, since we're born with sin already imprinted in our blood and are incapable of anything good. Our whole Christian lives (and mine in particular) was all about guilt. God was my shoulder to cry on, my welfare office I asked for all the help I needed, acknowledging how weak and useless and unworthy a being I was. But you know what, if you substitute the word "grace" for the term "undeserved kindness" then God becomes more than a safety-net.

A God who gives grace is a compassionate God who doesn't remind me of my sin and wrongdoing every other second before offering me his help. Grace. Oh wow, what a difference a word can make to my whole being! Grace; yes, I am in receipt of God's grace - and he doesn't ask that I justify my existence. He doesn't ask of me, he gives. He doesn't expect of me, he guides me lovingly. He isn't asking me whether I'm good or bad or worthy or not, he shows me how he has absorbed my sin in that one single act of martyrdom. He didn't need to know what each of my sins were, he said I forgive them. It really is such an embracing word. It really does describe the kind of God I learnt to love, not the one I was taught to fear.

On what I've been doing (and why I bought a house)

As you may be aware, I have for a long time being hesitant about buying a house, versus renting. I have blogged about my fear to own a house before. And you know why I haven't being blogging recently? 1) I often have to censor myself completely so as not to say something about some or another frustration at work that may get me fired, 2) I also often censor myself about saying something that could offend someone close to me, 3) I bought a house and I've been very busy!

I wish I had some "mature", philosophical, or financially-savvy reason that I could tell you is why I bought I house. I don't. So I can only share with you these photos and hope you understand.

It made mum so proud to take this photo
When we lived in El Salvador, no-one of my family could have fathomed this. 

My animal-babies get their own room.

I have no qualms about pampering animals like this.

          

An outdoor area to continue to pamper the animals. 

Growing plants for myself and the animals.

On language

Over the last few weeks I have become concerned with the question of “am I racist?” Now, I am someone who usually prides herself on being a very accepting and non-judgemental person. Really, I have in the past even being judged for being too accepting of others, treating members of society whose behaviour is considered less than moral as my equals. I can proudly say with all honesty that I have absolutely no qualms about treating patients from any background (ethnic, theocratic, nationality, sexuality, criminality, etc.). However, I am bothered by one thing that affects me on a daily basis: people talking in a language I don’t understand constantly in at a place I must attend every day. And so I ask myself, ‘What is wrong with me? Am I racist? Why does this bother me?’ And, you know, the potential answers scare me as they threaten what I think of myself as, my own identity as an open-minded person.

Interestingly, English is not my first language. I am a native Hispanic. So how could it bother me when people speak other languages I don’t understand in my presence? Well, one thing that has helped me understand exactly that (and that indeed I am not racist) is the fact that I speak two languages. See, when I am around people that similarly speak the two languages I speak and others who speak only one of those languages, I will choose to speak the language that is common to all persons present. Why? Because I think this is considerate and non-excluding of others. But what if I want to have a private conversation with someone else? Then I will go to a private place with this person and speak to them in whatever language is most suitable. I could switch to speaking to another language in the presence of people who don’t understand the language to have a “private” conversation with someone else, but isn’t that rude? Yes! To me it is. I consider it so. To me that is inconsiderate and treating the person who is present as if they were unworthy of my respect, acting as if they didn’t exist or weren’t in the room when I am talking with someone else. I would not speak to someone in Spanish to have a private conversation with them when I am surrounded by solely English-speaking peers.

So, am I racist? I don’t think so. Maybe I am sensitive and expect others to treat me how I treat others, with consideration and respect for their feelings. I don’t know. I do know I just don’t enjoy feeling excluded. And I certainly don’t enjoy being made to feel non-existent or unimportant in a group of my peers.

On what I (still) believe

I have been missing a lot more of my religious meetings than not and people have asking me whether I still "believe". Yes, the people who ask me are usually members of my congregation; and, yes, I do suspect they ask me only to know whether I'm still an 'acceptable' person for them to talk to and not an evil ex-member. I'm still classified as a member, albeit what in my religion is called an "inactive" member, for reasons I won't go into just now. But do I still "believe"? Well, yes, I believe many things...

I am a person learned in science, medicine, and theology. I love all of these as subject matter immensely and I'm a nerd who finds these subjects of study very interesting. Yes, I still consider myself a Christian as much as I am a scientist and a doctor. There are beliefs I choose to have; things I choose believe based on what I've read, studied, seen, and some just based on hunches. That's how I practice medicine and that's how I act in the rest of my life too. Well, of course, the practice of medicine is and has to be less based on hunches and more on reproducible evidence that has a higher standard of proof than religious beliefs do, but both are a combination of both hunches and "evidence". Fortunately, however, I am never asked if my belief in science has lapsed because as we all know and expect, scientific knowledge is meant to grow, change, and new knowledge must replace old one. My religious beliefs can only grow within a confine before it's considered irreligious by some, though. But what do I (still) believe?

I believe that God has given us an intelligent mind with the ability not only to accept, but also to ask questions and learn. I believe curiosity is a great learning tool, and learning is a gift. I believe learning only grows us as respectable human beings. I believe we all have a conscience and an inbuilt system to determine whether new knowledge is good or bad for us; whether or when to apply it. I believe knowledge enlightens us.

I believe that in a bad situation I can pray to God to ask for his help. And I don't know how God does it, but I will pray for it anyway.

I believe that in good or stable situations, I will pray to God to express my gratitude for allowing me either to experience that or for bringing it about. I don't know which one is the right way it happened, but I will pray with gratitude anyway.

I believe that God is the only one with a right to judge me and any of my actions, and not any member of my religion (regardless how "high up" they are).

I believe that God evaluates us in much more complex ways than meeting-attendance.

I believe that being a member of my religion doesn't automatically classify you as a good person, and that lack of membership doesn't necessarily mean a person is unworthy or bad.

I believe that one of the greatest aspects tarnishing my religion is the fact that former members are shunned and association with them is actively discouraged. I believe that is cruel and inhumane. Further, I believe God would frown upon this practice.

I believe that the members of my religion really do try their best. That is not to say that they are well-guided in all their beliefs, but they believe with purity that what they are doing is right - and that is why I cannot judge any of them negatively.

I believe God loves me. And I believe God is not offended or even blinks an eye at the fact of my believing what I believe. I believe he sees my intentions and my background and knows why and how I am who I am and forgives me for what I err in.

I believe God does not expect from us anymore than a particular individual can give.

And my overwhelming belief is that God's intention/purpose is summarized in this: "love your neighbour as you love yourself". I believe God (or the concept of God) does not exist to cause division, to instigate guilt and prosecution, or to punish or reward us for our behaviour and thoughts, but rather only to promote that each human being treat each other with respect and as our equals.

On protocols

A lot of things have been troubling me this week. A lot  of those things I can't mention because they may get me fired, so let me just focus in on an interesting thing I have recently noted about me and "protocols".

When I was younger, in medical school, I wanted to just "know" things. I wanted things to have an answer. I wanted definites. But, of course, medicine is all about uncertainties. One lecturer once said that if you can't deal with uncertainty well then you're going to struggle with medicine. I struggled with medicine. I was either fortunate or unfortunate to go through the post-graduate medicine program where so-called "self-directed" learning was encouraged. What this translates to is "teach yourself medicine at home using these resources, pay the university exuberant fees for not teaching it to you, and then come for the exams". Needless to say, I was not a fan. Some people thrive on that style of learning, but I always felt it was a cop-out. The university kept saying something to the effect of "didactic learning is the devil", but I really craved that devil the closer to exams we got. I understood that you do have to develop your own clinical reasoning abilities, but teaching basic anatomy and physiology facts should be one of the things that the medical schools teach. Yes, we all learnt it eventually, but it didn't have to be as painful, if you ask me.

So as much as I craved instruction, teaching, and protocol (i.e. what to do when) when I was in medical school, as soon as I graduated, "protocol" became my enemy. As an intern in a government hospital one of the first things you will be told about is the protocols - hospitals are full of volumes of them! Sure, a lot get ignored at many levels of the business of running a hospital, but one faithful group of adherents to the protocols were one special group of people that as an intern you deal with a lot every day: nurses. I think nurses have a protocol for everything in hospitals, from their precious lunch breaks to when a perfectly good IV line should be changed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not "nurse bashing" - in fact many of those who have worked with me as the one off the odd doctors who was loves and has a has a lot of respect for nurses.  And I do think a lot of nursing and medical protocols are good and they're there to ensure things are done consistently, and also to acknowledge that in emergencies our brains go out the window and we need almost to be reminded almost even to breathe too.

But there were also a lot of redundant and annoying protocols. The hierarchy in nursing circles, as opposed to medical ones, however, is more immediate. So if you don't do things according to the protocol then the nursing team leader is right there on the floor to hold you accountable to it; whereas in medical teams, you'd be lucky to get a consultant/boss who knows the intern exists or has a name. Doctors also have a lot more autonomy to make clinical decisions and can therefore deviate more readily than nurses  from the protocols. Nurses in the wards especially hate it when doctors ignore their protocols! One of the more ridiculous protocols a nurse forced me to oblige to was to take from her hand a pack of medication and hand it to a patient personally because nurses aren't pharmacists and therefore weren't allowed by hospital protocol to "dispense" the medication to the patients personally. But doctors also aren't pharmacists, so I didn't understand why I had to walk all the way to the other side of the hospital to pass a box of medication from the hand of the nurse to the hand of the patient standing right next to her. What did I need to understand, though? All I had to do was to "follow the protocol" and obey the ridiculous request. Actually, I found it comical, and I made a big deal about coming up to the ward to carry out this all life-saving task.

Interestingly, now that I am the consultant in private practice, I have entered a quest to find all the protocols for general practice medicine that I can find. Did I suddenly develop an incomprehensible lust for protocols? No, I still haven't, but what I have come to realize is that in the "real-world" (the world outside of the hospital) our legal system requires that we have a good goddamn excuse for deviating from the protocols if something ever goes wrong for one of your patients. And the protocols in the real-world aren't about tedious and mindless obedience of procedure, but about things that actually put patient safety at risk. Let me give you an example, hopefully without revealing too much of what those things I don't want to mention are: Say a clinic owner asks me to do something a certain way to cut running costs; I could do what he says, but if my patient risks suffering because of it, you can be pretty sure I am going to prefer following the protocol that all my peers are encouraged to uphold in order to minimize risk to my patient.

Turns out I still am just like I was in medical school, wanting to just "know". That lust is still alive in me, although now not there just to be able to pass exams but in order to be better equipped to do the best thing for the patients who put their trust in us in their most vulnerable times: when they're ill.

At my "other" job.

On mothers and caring

I’ve had to bite my tongue in the last few weeks not to comment on some of the injustices I see happen in this world, especially when it comes to family – and especially our mothers. But I’ve seen a TV program recently about child carers of ill parents and my faith in humanity has again been restored! It felt to me so amazing to hear such grateful and selfless adolescents speak of the help they render to their parent and the sacrifices they make in their lives – and yet they are able realise that these things are to help a fellow human being and that the universe isn’t all about them. How refreshing! How amazing and admirable and such mature behaviour from these young souls. These young people spoke not about themselves and not about chores or burdens, but about something that seemed natural and dutiful to them – the way our parents didn’t whinge or throw a tantrum whenever we needed to be fed or clothed as babies, it was just a fact of life that the stronger person looks after the weaker one.

One of the most truthful quotes I have heard in the last week from a patient of mine was that “some parents have great children, and some have children that stay children”. Most of us grow out of the belief that the world revolves around us and we are the most important creature in the universe, but it may take other people up to the day that they have their own children to realise this (if they ever do).

In the last week my older patients have been telling me the stories of how their children did this or that for them or gave them presents in whatever form for mother’s day celebrations. And it’s great to hear. And yet I can’t help but also think of this as a sad thing that a lot of these parents have had to wait 12 months to get this kind of attention from the people for whom they have sacrificed so much time, efforts, money, and opportunities. On days when I feel particularly pessimistic, I think that for some of us offspring out there Mother’s Day should be renamed Hypocrite’s Day. Now, I use that particularly strong word purposely because I believe it is wrong to neglect or ignore a person except for one day a year when the media and commercial entities force us to remember them. I mean, sometimes our parents may have no need for flowers or chocolates, but they would be absolutely grateful if only we brought them a bit of food when they’re sick and are unable to meet their needs alone. When we were younger, every day was ‘Our Day’ and our parents fussed over us.  I wish so much that for those of our family (at least) we can be bothered to fuss over them when they’re in need – even if it doesn’t fall on a “special day”, and even if their problem isn’t cured by just flowers, chocolates, or material gifts.

You know what most of these mothers tell me they wish more than anything they get on Mother’s Day? That every day was like it so they would get to see their children more; that their children called them more often and asked how they are and how they may help;  and that their children showed appreciation and love for them more often.

But let me tell you also about a question I was asked recently too: Do I believe in Karma? Well, I guess I call it differently as I don’t have a traditionally Buddhist or Hindu belief system, but aside from my theo-philosophical beliefs, there are my social psychology beliefs. I once heard the story of a woman from my family who had several children but in her elderly years lived alone and was left to fend for herself for food, money, and all basic needs. But where were her children? Well, when these children were very young, this now-elderly woman abandoned her young family and left them to fend for their own. Now you ask why are her children not looking after their elderly mother? Well, because she is to them just another person whom they barely know but happen to share 50% of their DNA with. It’s hard to feel sorry or help a stranger who many many years ago only taught you that those that are weaker don’t deserve your help. I don’t call that karma but setting an example, reaping what we sow. It’s sad, but sometimes the truth is also sad.

What is wrong with this world? I don’t know. All I know is that nothing changes if nothing changes. I know that if you want to see different then you have to do things differently, and not wait for them to happen. I want there to be mothers out there that are loved and appreciated by their children. I want there also to be children out there who are shown by their mothers how to love, how to care, and what things are right and how to do them right. I want to set a good example. I want to have good rewards for my deeds. I want one day to be both a good daughter and a good mother.

On being religious

You know, I’ve always described myself not only a spiritual person, but also a religious person. Which is not to say that I am a divisive person of the view that ‘my religion is right and all others are wrong’ but a person who thinks that religion and theology are fascinating topics of intellectual consideration! But it is hard being religious. It is hard for so many reasons and on so many levels.

You know what I consider the single greatest detriment to the standing of religion in our world? Humans; other members of our religions. I don’t believe it is extremism or the varying beliefs, not the names of our Gods, not our values, but our fellow worshippers. Those other things may turn off a great many people off religion, but it is our co-worshippers who turn off those of us who are already believers. People often ask me if I am Christian because my mother is and she’s forced it on me or because my culture almost demands it. And my answer is I am Christian despite my mother and despite my culture and despite a lot of other Christians I have known.

It is incredibly difficult to remain a Christian, or a member of any other religion for that matter, without feeling an element of shame in admitting that part of our identity because of the negative connotations of some religious people’s acts. We live in a very well-informed society, in a very scientifically-advanced society, in a society where knowledge on almost everything is easily accessible to everyone. The “sins” of our religious co-worshippers and of our leaders are exposed and become common knowledge – and yet how do we maintain dignity in acknowledging association with such people, with certain practices, with unusual or seemingly illogical beliefs? In my case it isn’t “blind faith” or ignorance but rather a choice.

And what makes it particularly hard for me to call myself a Christian? The judging attitudes of my co-worshippers. For some reason a lot of members of organized religion consider that they become holier the more they judge others, like digging up and speaking of others’ faults somehow bleaches their own soul of sin. I don’t remember reading about that in the bible! I do remember reading all those verses about judgement belonging only to God, that our duty was only to love our fellow humans and not to pass judgement on them, and about the hypocrisy of any imperfect human judging others since we are all sinners. It always strengthened my faith to know that God is a loving God, that he knows our deep intentions, and that he knows we are imperfect and does not ask of us any more than we are able to give. Yes, God has great qualities – but, oh boy, our fellow worshippers are a lot harsher! They often judge those outside of our belief system and those within our religion with a wrath that is all so ungodly! In fact I believe it is so ungodly that it is evil.

I remember one of the first accounts in the Bible being about Adam, Eve, and the serpent. The serpent’s deal was that he thought, ‘hey, how come this God dude gets to be boss? Why can’t I be boss? Why should only he get the worship from these humans and angels and such?’ He wanted to be God. And you know what our religious co-worshippers are really good at? Trying to do the same thing: to rob God of his unique role of being the rightful judge of human behaviour since he is the only one who knows our deepest inner thoughts and intentions.

I made the choice some time ago to answer only to God. I made the choice to consider all humans, and not just those that call themselves Christians or belong to my particular denomination, as my equals. I made the choice to place my trust in only one God and accept that those who claim to represent him here on Earth are still only my equals and are not interchangeable with God.

On why I haven't been blogging

Wow! It seems like forever since I’ve written. What has been happening with me? Someone pointed out to me that I am someone who doesn’t just like things, but I apparently obsess about the things I like. Well, I admit that that is at least partly true. And what I have been obsessed with of late is learning to play guitar, taking my guitars apart and putting them back together, building a display case for them, reading about some very talented guitarists, learning about guitar construction, etc. I guess I can get carried away – but I enjoy every second of it! It is such a buzz at the stage I am now, and one day it may fade, but at the moment it is so fun to let my curiosity and enthusiasm carry me away.

But that’s not all I’ve been doing, of course. I’ve had difficulties with some of my interpersonal relationships, with my previous job, with money, but I figure that in the big picture I am actually quite blessed and none of that stuff is worth giving up my momentum for. I choose not to remain stagnant. I have so much, and the most valuable thing anyone possesses is our potential – and I’m not forgetting that!

A prison story

I haven’t written in a few weeks. Frustration, anxiety, pesky illnesses, and new passions really take a toll on you. I still feel partly censored in what I can divulge here, so let me tell you about the new passion I’m trying to develop. I’m learning to play guitar. And more than learning to play it, I want to know everything about them, about music, and just really feel my blood pulsate differently when I think of it. I have even bought an electric guitar I’m taking apart, modifying, and (hopefully) put back together again. I love the feeling it gives me to be in control of such a versatile instrument. Just thinking about it gives me a buzz…

Another passion of mine is humanity, yet I say that more in the Fyodor Dostoevsky sense of “The more I love humanity in general, the less I love man in particular”. I like watching prison documentaries for the stories about a different version of humanity you may or may not encounter every day. And there is one story that keeps bouncing around in my head which I would like to share because I found it so intriguing.
There’s this prisoner serving a sentence that will mean he spends the rest of his life in prison with no possibility of parole. He starts off by telling the story of how he has been a criminal for a very long time. He was selling drugs, stealing, using drugs, etc. He had been in and out of prison since he was a teenager until eventually he managed to score his final life-long sentence.

Anyhow, while he was in prison, his son got arrested for murder. At one point the son was in the jail next to the prison his father was in. What the prisoner’s son and some other men had done was they killed someone, and for that crime they were up for the death penalty. But the son's lawyers organized for his father to testify at his son’s trial, saying how he gave a bad example to him, and that he wasn't there to teach him right because he was always in and out of prison or high and drunk as the son was growing up. Also, the family was very poor because the father wasn’t able to work because of his criminal lifestyle, drug and alcohol abuse, etc. The co-defendants in the son’s murder trial didn’t have the opportunity to have their sentenced reduced from the death penalty because their fathers weren’t in prison.

 When the son's trial date came up, the lawyers thought they'd do a charitable act by both father and son and organized to pick them up in the same prison van so they could ride together to the courthouse. In the prison van, the guards and lawyers were all feeling very warm and fuzzy that they had granted this father and son to sit together even for a short trip (though no one knows who specifically asked for this). While in the prison van, the son held his father’s hand through the handcuffs behind their backs. He was grateful to his father for helping get him off death row. Afterwards everyone who had helped organized this great gesture between father and son, were feeling really good about themselves.

Then someone asked the father if he was happy to see his son, and was he excited to be able to help him out, etc. The father answered and said he'd never ever felt worse in his life! He said never had he felt more ashamed and like an absolute worthless human being. He had never felt as low as he felt that day. He said he was disgusted at himself; truly hated himself for the experience. He said he would have preferred never to have seen or heard or touched his son again in his life than to see him like that: in the back of a prison van while up for the death penalty for the disgusting crime he had committed. He said never had he felt like the worst father and the worst person in the world than that day. He said to him that it felt like it was his own death sentence that day, knowing he had failed as a human being. That day he truly repented of all his own wrongdoing and he wished he had never been born so at to give life to someone like or worse than him, even if he was his own blood.

He cried at how embarrassed of himself as a human being he was, and the fact that people thought of him as a hero or a good man for having gotten his son off death row. (Yes, the son had his sentence reduced to life without the possibility of parole.)

Wow, this story touched me very much and I can’t even really explain why.

The goals and business of general practice

In the last week I have been involved in the recruitment of a new nurse to the primary care clinic I’ve been working in. (And I should note that the terms general practice, general medicine, and primary care, are been interchangeably here) I suggested that we ask applicants in the job interview what, in their opinion, are three goals of (private) general practice medicine. This is a question that potentially has dozens of answers! To patients, up to 95% of the time it is about helping them deal with immediate, though generally non-urgent, health problems. The rest of the time it is about preventing ill or worse health. To governments, the goals of general practice medicine are to keep people healthy so that they utilize less government-funded health resources. General practice is meant to keep patients out of hospitals. But what are the goals of primary care medicine if you happen to work in a primary care clinic? I think that if you understand the way the business of general practice, the goals of general practice are fairly straightforward - from a business perspective, because this is an industry just like many others.

How does general practice work? Well, patients require a service so they contact the practice’s administration staff to book this service: a medical review with a doctor. Booking appointments is just one of the tasks of the admin staff, and their tasks are fundamental to the proper and smooth running of the practice as a business and also in optimizing the clinical interaction between the patient and the doctor. The doctor takes the patient’s clinical history and requests investigations and treats their condition, etc. To do this more efficiently and effectively, they often enlist the help of the practice nurse. The nurse has a very important part in the running of the practice too. They are there to advocate for the patient, to help carry out a lot of the preventative activities related to medical practice, they administer medications and immunisations, they perform some of the tests the doctor needs to help clarify the patient’s diagnosis, etc. They do all this in the background so the doctor doesn’t need to do it herself – and in this time the doctor may see another patient or take care of another clinical activity. That’s it. At the end, the patient pays one fee to cover the cost of seeing the doctor, the nurse, and having administration staff assist them.

How General Practice Works

Now, how does the money side of general practice work? There is one source of money coming into the practice: patients. That’s right, the only income-generating activity in general practice occurs in the interaction between the doctor and the patient in that room. For example, talking to the receptionist doesn’t attract a fee (as a patient you could theoretically come in and talk to one all day and she can’t bill you for anything as she hasn’t sold you anything).  

Where the money in General Practice comes from.

What then? Well, the money generated by the doctor’s fees is pooled and is meant to cover the cost of paying the practice’s staff, the building rental fees, insurance costs, medical and non-medical equipment costs, etc. And that exactly is why it is important for practice managers, for administration staff, and for nurses to help doctors see more patients and to see them efficiently and effectively.

Where the money in General Practice goes to.

So what are the business goals of general practice? I believe they are so closely related to the duties of general practice that you could be forgiven for mistaking them. The first priority of (any) medical practice are the patients. Keeping them well, that is giving them what they pay us for (assistance with health problems), is and needs to be the first goal. The second goal is to optimize the interaction between the patient and the doctor; the “service” being sold. It is the task of everyone working alongside the doctor to make sure this happens well, smoothly, and in a time-efficient manner. The third priority is to the community in which we work. This makes sense not just in a humanistic ideal but because general practice, as opposed to other medical specialties, often deals with people who are well and healthy – and who want to remain that way! Healthy patients don’t attend cardiologists, for example, to prevent cardiac disease. No, they would go see the cardiologist once cardiac disease is diagnosed or suspected and they need secondary prevention or treatment. But general practice does see well people for this and many other preventative activities.

It makes so much sense from a business point of view to fulfil our duties in general practice, that is to patients, to the staff, and to our community. Patients that are well-cared for and feel/know that they are being prioritised want to continue using that service. If you optimise the doctor-patient interaction (in business terms: time), you make the business more profitable. And if you cater to the local community, that community gets to know and trust your service and seek it out amongst the other dozens of similar practices around. What is there to lose by fulfilling the duties of our jobs in general practice, really?

On responsibility

I remember one of the greatest lessons taught to me both at home and at school was about responsibility. It was such a good trait in a person that even if you owned up to wrong-doing, there would be an incentive for the admission (e.g. reduced punishment). I wonder now what happened to make taking responsibility for almost anything such a dirty affair.

Do you know when people are quick to claim responsibility for things? When things go right! Politicians, for example, are a great at speaking of their triumphs in war, claiming they achieved this or that target. For a moment it would be possible to convince yourself that Barack Obama was literally holding the firearm that killed Osama bin Laden, such was the claim that “we got him”. In science journals a string of names appear as the “researchers”, and if the discovery or finding is big news enough, the person giving the interview will be the person who runs the research institute or the head of the lab – not the little guy who actually did all the intellectual and physical work. Similarly in medicine, especially in teaching hospitals, the name of the consultant will always be quoted as the guy who did the surgery or who treated a patient’s complex medical problems – where in reality the consultant probably has never laid eyes on the patient. But I am, of course, talking about when things go right, the successes. The culture extends all the way to clinical records, as I have had to explain to patients in the past:  “I know the information is about you, and it was collected and written by me, but it belongs neither to you or me apparently but to the person who lent me the pen and paper (or computer) with which I recorded the information”. Or at least this is what I have been told in the past by previous employers… Imagine if the same had been done to the great poets and writers of the past. Mark Twain would not have made a cent from the proceeds of the sale of Huckleberry Finn but the manufacturer of the pen and paper he wrote with would have made some very easy money!

Now, when things go wrong in medicine, it’s not the hospital’s or the clinic’s fault, it’s not the consultant’s fault – then it is all about the little guy. When competitions are won, a whole nation claims victory; but when they are lost, it’s the one competitor or team who is the loser. When corruption is uncovered, it is always said it was just one person’s fault, not the institution or the culture that drove him to it, etc. We have become very quick to deny responsibility for ourselves and distance ourselves from all negative events. Unfortunately, this has come to extend to our personal lives too.

If there is one thing I pride myself on is trying to be an understanding and non-judgemental human being. I have met people, though, who confuse taking responsibility with admitting fault, and therefore they refuse/avoid/delay taking responsibility at all. We are all shaped by our childhood experiences, past relationships, our genetics, formal and informal education, etc. All these things together shape how we are today. Now, one or more of those things may have been a profound traumatic negative experience that has gone on to shape us significantly – and maybe even negatively. As a result of that experience perhaps we become highly attuned to certain words people say (perhaps words bullies may have used) or to misinterpreting body language or we come to expect that certain words will be followed by physical abuse, etc. When you experienced those things before it was perhaps appropriate to retaliate or go on the defence. The thing is when you are no longer in that situation and you continue to react as if you were, that is when our own actions/defence become our offense. That is when we hurt ourselves more, or others too. Now, as I said, I can understand this and I can forgive this. No one is saying it is your fault you are the way you are; and it’s certainly not your fault those negative things may have happened to you (emotional or physical abuse, etc.), but it is each individual’s responsibility to decide whether they want to continue to be and act the same or to change. I see the person who refuses to change, who points out how it’s not their fault, who perhaps feels guilt but not motivation to change, as someone caught up in victimhood. And as I have stated many times before, we are not victims of our past but rather the creators of our own future. And trust me, there are still plenty of incentives out there for those that do stand up courageously and take responsibility.

On global warming

I  haven’t written in a little while because I have been quite busy with organising things for a change in job (location, not career) and also some personal difficulties which I won’t go into just yet. But I have managed to give myself 2 weeks off work to just settle the pace in the last few months, and I have been watching some mostly mind-numbing television but also some interesting stories. One that particularly surprised me was a debate on nuclear versus fossil fuel derived energy. Here’s the link if anyone is interested in watching it.

What I found particularly interesting about the debate on fossil fuels versus nuclear energy are the premises and assumptions the debate (for both sides) are founded on. You see, every debate argues that one “thing” is better than the opponent’s “thing”, but there is also common ground – there has to be. So one opponent may say, for example, “I’m trying to do the most just thing for everyone and this ‘thing’ I represent is better for justice than the thing that my opponent is backing. The other opponent goes and makes the same argument, but proposes his thing is better for justice. The debate is interesting and relevant because it focuses on a common ground: justice. And you know what I found interesting in this fossil-fuel vs. nuclear energy debate? That the common ground that both parties were intent on protecting was climate change. Yes, here were big energy industry representatives arguing that they wish to protect the environment, prevent further climate change / global warming, and therefore nuclear energy is bad. On the opposite side of the debate were nuclear energy proponents arguing that they wish to protect the environment, prevent further climate change / global warming, and therefore fossil-fuel energy is bad (and also that other non-fossil-fuel energies are non-viable). I was fascinated not by the points of argument each team debated, but that suddenly global warming and climate change was a given, not the point of argument itself. No one was debating whether climate change was real in and of itself!

In political and legislative forums, the existence of this concept of global warming is negated by representatives of the fossil fuel industry. Now, in a debate whether on whether nuclear energy or fossil fuel energy is worse, global warming and climate change is taken as a fact – and the people arguing these both these things are almost the same people. That is what I find quite interesting. Environmentalists get invited to these events to present the debate on behalf of nuclear power companies, mining companies, and “green energy” companies (which are usually owned by the mining companies themselves). Of course, for the sake of arguments such as this, all the types of energy companies claim to have one thing at heart: the environment. In reality we all know that thing at the heart of any company are monetary profits. I mean, that is exactly the reason why mining companies invest heavily in “green energy”: because if the market happens to shift and “green energy” becomes more profitable than fossil-fuel energy, then you want to be the guy that owns this market already...

It’s all nice and interesting, but now I’m more confused. Is global warming considered a real thing or not in Australian politics? If so, then what are we (including the energy industry and other big carbon emitters) doing about it? If not, why not if even the energy industry can at times concede that it is a real thing?