One day I told someone that I was struggling because there was something that I really wanted to do but that I didn’t do simply because it goes against my religious beliefs. And it wasn’t a fleeting desire, either; no, it was actually a very deeply-seated desire that penetrated and marked me to the core of my being. But, yes, I had a system that I lived my life by and it is religion. People often quote this feature of religion as being one of the “bad” things about it. It’s so restrictive. It rules people’s lives and is a great evil. But everyone lives their lives with at least some rules. Some are there to protect the ego, others to protect our survival, others to keep us out of jail, others to protect our conscience, etc. But every rule serves to protect something – and we all, even the most free-spirited ones of us, obey some sort of rule or rule system. My rule system is basically Christianity.
The friend I told how I was struggling with this feeling I had but had to hide because of my religious system gave me some advice: change or leave my religion. Of course! Why didn’t I think of that?! In fact I had thought of that, but before I tell you about that, let me tell you about something else I really really wanted to do one day.
I was at a restaurant once and this woman pushed me as she walked past. I was furious! I wanted to pull this lady back and pull her hair, punch her in the face, and kick her in the guts. I felt an energy surge through me, it was so strong. My expression changed to one of absolute spite for this woman, so much so that the people around me noticed my anger. They told me to let it go and move on. Someone moved in between me and the woman so I wouldn’t make a sudden lunge towards her. I thought to myself, “Move on?! Let it go? But I feel this feeling so intensely, so deeply, so in my core.” I let it go, though. Do you know why? Because there are rules in society, and even if I don't agree with them, they still apply to me as a member of society. Of course one can always break the rules and accept the consequences of doing so.
This incident is not the only time I've really wanted to hurt someone, nor am I the only human being who has ever had this desire. We have all wanted to hurt someone for even minor spites like being cut off by another car while you’re driving, being spoken to in a rude and impolite way, seeing someone purposely abuse an animal or someone who is weaker than them, etc. All these things can irritate a person and the human instinct may kick in to react with violence to serve our own ‘justice’. Now, should you? It's something you want so why should you have to resist? Because it's against the law? Because it's against social norms? Because it would be morally “bad”? Because it’s against your religion? But none of these norms and rules were devised by yourself, so why should you comply? Do you see what I’m getting at?
I rejected my friend’s suggestion that I change religions because I don't think everything in life should be solved this way. I think this attitude of always having things your way, if not changing your environment (the physical environment/religion/political party/professional membership, etc.) comes from our society's new rules of the self as deity. Our religions, the object of our worship, have become ourselves. We worship by seeking to maximize our personal pleasure and meeting all our desires – often at the expense of... ‘whatever it takes’. And what is wrong with that religion? Nothing. But our religions are not the only rules we face in our lives. Sure you can punch that guy who pushed in front of you in line at the cinema, or you can steal that item you really want from the shop, etc. but you’ll still have to face the consequences of doing so. That’s just how life is, with every rule comes a consequence.
I’ll tell you now how I overcame my struggle. No, I didn’t change religions just so I could obey my desires. I still believe in everything I ever did about Christianity. I didn’t suddenly lose the burning desires I once had. No. The only thing I changed was I accepted the consequences. There are some things that are worth the consequences.
Only God can judge me.
J
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