I’ve been reading about Jeffrey Dahmer, a reformed Christian. They analysed, or at least reported, on his childhood – it was ok! (That’s not surprise; it’s sarcasm.) He grew up and turns out he liked sex, kinky stuff, and saw nothing troublesome about consuming human flesh. The bad part is his partners, even if they had consented to the sex games, it’s believed that they didn’t consent to dying or being eaten. That’s assumed because at least one guy tried to make an escape, and most, it is believed, were drugged before being killed.
I’ve recently bought a book about male serial killers, and the grouping seems rather arbitrary. What exactly, then, is a serial killer? A person who acts or reacts with intentional killing of another human being. But that’s about where commonality ends. Motives are mostly different, as are tactics, intent, and “victims”. Do I sympathise? And if I did? What I mean to say is that I can’t and won’t judge those who aren’t me or share what is in me. People ask ‘are these serial killers evil or are they mad?’ Are there no other options?
There are a lot of people who like kinky sex. Problem? Not in this society. There are a lot of people who will consume whatever as food, regardless of other’s opinion of its taste or other aspect of its nature. Whales, snakes, endangered animals, insects, gastropods, pork, and human flesh have all been fair game (think of the Uruguayan rugby team in the Andes, as an example). Problem? No. Different cultures, different tastes, different times and circumstances. There’s a lot of people who kill – even in masses. Soldiers, victims of violence, governments, for example. Problem? People may cringe, and maybe rightly so, but history tells us that killing, if not wrong, is at the very least not uncommon human behaviour.
So is Jeffrey Dahmer so far from “normal” humans? I’d argue that he’s not all that far removed from common.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
On "coming out"
One of my favourite quotes in the world is one by Gore Vidal that says “There is no such thing as a homosexual or a heterosexual person. There are only homo- or heterosexual acts. Most people are a mixture of impulses, if not practices”. He also said, “Actually, there is no such thing as a homosexual person, any more than there is such a thing as a heterosexual person. The words are adjectives describing sexual acts, not people”. Okay, so some of this argument is about semantics, but it is also about labels.
If you know me, you would know that I have a hatred of labels— and so comes this ambivalence about the whole concept of “coming out”. I do understand that the whole movement started as a way to counter discrimination against certain people because of their sexual practices, to claim back the respect and human rights owed to every human being. I understand how it is empowering, especially to individuals who have been oppressed, to claim with pride the person they are and their right to be. I understand that identifying with a group, coming together for camaraderie, is a very human thing and it is often the only way to bring about societal change. I understand how it came about, what I don’t like, however, is the expectation that is now placed on many people to “come out”, to label oneself as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or ‘questioning’.
One reason I don’t like the concept of “coming out” is that I find it biased that a person who has sex with a same-sex individual has to tell people about it, yet there is no expectation that a person who only engages in heterosexual acts do so. There are things about the sexual practices of my friends, my family, acquaintances, celebrities, politicians, and many other people that I don’t know about – and quite frankly couldn’t care less about. How old where they when they first had intercourse? What is their favourite sexual position? Are they multi-orgasmic? Do they prefer shaven or hairy genitals on their partner? Do they use toys? These are extremely personal and intimate questions about a person’s sexuality and we rarely are even bothered to know these things about people, so why should we care to know other intimate things like whether they have sex with men, women, or both. Does it change anything? No, it shouldn’t, especially if they’re your friends or family. Seriously, who would like to know all the sexual details of their friends or family? Not me. So why does there need to be this expectation that if you have sex with someone of your same gender that you have to tell the whole world about it? Quite frankly I have friends who are probably virgins, others that may or may not have had same-sex intercourse before, but I just really don’t care to hear about their sexual exploits one way or another. Sexual expression is a very intimate thing, usually only between two people, and that’s the way I am happy for it to stay.
And the other reason I am passionately against declaring your sexual preference is because of my hatred of labels. See, because once you tell the world you’re “gay” or “bisexual” that is all the world tends to see. You in fact lose a lot of your identity and become just a label, often described by a multitude of stereotypes. You may have sex with same-sex persons, but it’s probably not all you do. Maybe you have a job you’re very good at, maybe you follow a certain spiritual belief system, maybe you play an instrument or have a large family; but the moment you label yourself, that to me is like the death of the rest of you. And imagine being known for and described in terms of the things you like to do sexually! We would meet a lot of people, some of them our friends and family members, that were known as masturbators, others dildo-lovers, others anal-lovers, etc. But this is what some of our friends do and yet we think of them as friends, not as “straight” friends or “dildo-loving” friends, just our friends. The things our friends do and enjoy sexually is a personal matter for them and they aren’t and shouldn’t be expected to tell everyone about it, to “come out” as a dildo-lover or anal-bead enthusiast... So to “coming out” as gay or bisexual or transsexual, I say no (unless you consciencelessly choose to label yourself for whatever reason, for whatever secondary gain). To me, labelling isn’t creating equality. Labelling, putting up a division between “us” and “them”, isn’t creating equality between “us” and “them”, it just perpetuates the myth that people who have sex with same-sex individuals are purely defined by the sexual things they do. For me, to say a person is gay is a denial of everything else they are – and they may just be the best human being I know.
If you know me, you would know that I have a hatred of labels— and so comes this ambivalence about the whole concept of “coming out”. I do understand that the whole movement started as a way to counter discrimination against certain people because of their sexual practices, to claim back the respect and human rights owed to every human being. I understand how it is empowering, especially to individuals who have been oppressed, to claim with pride the person they are and their right to be. I understand that identifying with a group, coming together for camaraderie, is a very human thing and it is often the only way to bring about societal change. I understand how it came about, what I don’t like, however, is the expectation that is now placed on many people to “come out”, to label oneself as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or ‘questioning’.
One reason I don’t like the concept of “coming out” is that I find it biased that a person who has sex with a same-sex individual has to tell people about it, yet there is no expectation that a person who only engages in heterosexual acts do so. There are things about the sexual practices of my friends, my family, acquaintances, celebrities, politicians, and many other people that I don’t know about – and quite frankly couldn’t care less about. How old where they when they first had intercourse? What is their favourite sexual position? Are they multi-orgasmic? Do they prefer shaven or hairy genitals on their partner? Do they use toys? These are extremely personal and intimate questions about a person’s sexuality and we rarely are even bothered to know these things about people, so why should we care to know other intimate things like whether they have sex with men, women, or both. Does it change anything? No, it shouldn’t, especially if they’re your friends or family. Seriously, who would like to know all the sexual details of their friends or family? Not me. So why does there need to be this expectation that if you have sex with someone of your same gender that you have to tell the whole world about it? Quite frankly I have friends who are probably virgins, others that may or may not have had same-sex intercourse before, but I just really don’t care to hear about their sexual exploits one way or another. Sexual expression is a very intimate thing, usually only between two people, and that’s the way I am happy for it to stay.
And the other reason I am passionately against declaring your sexual preference is because of my hatred of labels. See, because once you tell the world you’re “gay” or “bisexual” that is all the world tends to see. You in fact lose a lot of your identity and become just a label, often described by a multitude of stereotypes. You may have sex with same-sex persons, but it’s probably not all you do. Maybe you have a job you’re very good at, maybe you follow a certain spiritual belief system, maybe you play an instrument or have a large family; but the moment you label yourself, that to me is like the death of the rest of you. And imagine being known for and described in terms of the things you like to do sexually! We would meet a lot of people, some of them our friends and family members, that were known as masturbators, others dildo-lovers, others anal-lovers, etc. But this is what some of our friends do and yet we think of them as friends, not as “straight” friends or “dildo-loving” friends, just our friends. The things our friends do and enjoy sexually is a personal matter for them and they aren’t and shouldn’t be expected to tell everyone about it, to “come out” as a dildo-lover or anal-bead enthusiast... So to “coming out” as gay or bisexual or transsexual, I say no (unless you consciencelessly choose to label yourself for whatever reason, for whatever secondary gain). To me, labelling isn’t creating equality. Labelling, putting up a division between “us” and “them”, isn’t creating equality between “us” and “them”, it just perpetuates the myth that people who have sex with same-sex individuals are purely defined by the sexual things they do. For me, to say a person is gay is a denial of everything else they are – and they may just be the best human being I know.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
On the consumer instinct
I used to be whatever the opposite of materialistic is. I would never buy things I didn’t “need” and I considered everything but food and basic clothes an extravagant luxury. Incidentally, at the time, I was also a poor student and had no choice but to adopt this lifestyle whether I chose it or not. For the majority of my student life, I had also made this choice. Once I started on a rural medicine rotation, this began to change.
I guess it was back in 2007 when I first consciously noticed the change in me. I was in Gladstone at the time, which is hardly a rural town, but still a small enough place to lack the “variety” and “choice” we have become so accustomed to. In your average city, and in your average suburb really, you have, for example, a store that sells books (many different types of books). But you don’t have just one bookstore, you might have 2 or 3 or 4, etc. bookstores that sell the same books, at usually similar prices. In your average rural/regional town, maybe there is only one bookstore with a sample selection of books. They don’t have the big multi-level bookstore, let alone two. But the town survives; the people eat, drink, and live.
Now, when I was in Gladstone, all I could think about was finding a bookstore so I could read something to kill some time (instead of studying like I should have been doing). I couldn’t find any bookstores (or at least one that didn’t have only boating books), so eventually I resorted to the internet to calm my angst. I bought one book, two, three, some perfume, something else, something else still, and then some more. Back at home I hardly ever bought anything online, let alone what I once considered non-essentials. Back at home I was hardly ever this bored.
I started thinking then about what had brought on my newfound habit of senseless spending. There were several things that for me differed from living at home (in the city) to living in a semi-rural setting. Firstly, I had a lot more spare/free time in Gladstone because I didn’t have my friends or family to hang out with, there was less variety of movies for me to see at the cinema, and I wasted less time driving to places. Secondly, lacking all these things that usually consumed my time (friends, family, and leisure activities), I actually was feeling emotionally disconnected, isolated, bored, lonely even. And I think it is this great void, this being consumed with nothingness, this empty space, that leaves us feeling desiring of something, anything. Unfortunately, when people feel alone or isolated or depressed, they often seek to fill an emotional void with material or physical things.
To me this experience made me think of a few things. Firstly, I started to wonder if in fact this –feeling emotionally unfulfilled – is the reason that people adopt such a consumerist attitude, always wanting to buy more, and not just wanting to but feeling they need to. I mean it’s not rurality that does it to you, there are people living in these rural towns who go about their everyday life, working, etc. without being overwhelmed by some desire to buy, buy, buy. They feel as I feel when I’m at home with my family and friends: content. Me, I wanted to buy things to fill my time, to kill the time I had to be alone and contemplating my loneliness and isolation. I wondered also if that is what other people who are long-term materially-focused feel. If you fill up your time with material possessions, striving to have them, dreaming of more, then you don’t leave time to think about the things that make life really worthwhile, but which we may lack. The physical things can’t fill the emotional voids, though, and eventually some people may adopt their desire to possess more as their substitute for the human lust for life, experience, love, interaction, play, and generally just living.
If there’s one thing that my experience in “the bush” has taught me, is that human needs don’t change whether you’re in one place or in another. Everyone needs love, affection, interaction, social engagement, respect, entertainment, self-efficacy, and health care.
I guess it was back in 2007 when I first consciously noticed the change in me. I was in Gladstone at the time, which is hardly a rural town, but still a small enough place to lack the “variety” and “choice” we have become so accustomed to. In your average city, and in your average suburb really, you have, for example, a store that sells books (many different types of books). But you don’t have just one bookstore, you might have 2 or 3 or 4, etc. bookstores that sell the same books, at usually similar prices. In your average rural/regional town, maybe there is only one bookstore with a sample selection of books. They don’t have the big multi-level bookstore, let alone two. But the town survives; the people eat, drink, and live.
Now, when I was in Gladstone, all I could think about was finding a bookstore so I could read something to kill some time (instead of studying like I should have been doing). I couldn’t find any bookstores (or at least one that didn’t have only boating books), so eventually I resorted to the internet to calm my angst. I bought one book, two, three, some perfume, something else, something else still, and then some more. Back at home I hardly ever bought anything online, let alone what I once considered non-essentials. Back at home I was hardly ever this bored.
I started thinking then about what had brought on my newfound habit of senseless spending. There were several things that for me differed from living at home (in the city) to living in a semi-rural setting. Firstly, I had a lot more spare/free time in Gladstone because I didn’t have my friends or family to hang out with, there was less variety of movies for me to see at the cinema, and I wasted less time driving to places. Secondly, lacking all these things that usually consumed my time (friends, family, and leisure activities), I actually was feeling emotionally disconnected, isolated, bored, lonely even. And I think it is this great void, this being consumed with nothingness, this empty space, that leaves us feeling desiring of something, anything. Unfortunately, when people feel alone or isolated or depressed, they often seek to fill an emotional void with material or physical things.
To me this experience made me think of a few things. Firstly, I started to wonder if in fact this –feeling emotionally unfulfilled – is the reason that people adopt such a consumerist attitude, always wanting to buy more, and not just wanting to but feeling they need to. I mean it’s not rurality that does it to you, there are people living in these rural towns who go about their everyday life, working, etc. without being overwhelmed by some desire to buy, buy, buy. They feel as I feel when I’m at home with my family and friends: content. Me, I wanted to buy things to fill my time, to kill the time I had to be alone and contemplating my loneliness and isolation. I wondered also if that is what other people who are long-term materially-focused feel. If you fill up your time with material possessions, striving to have them, dreaming of more, then you don’t leave time to think about the things that make life really worthwhile, but which we may lack. The physical things can’t fill the emotional voids, though, and eventually some people may adopt their desire to possess more as their substitute for the human lust for life, experience, love, interaction, play, and generally just living.
If there’s one thing that my experience in “the bush” has taught me, is that human needs don’t change whether you’re in one place or in another. Everyone needs love, affection, interaction, social engagement, respect, entertainment, self-efficacy, and health care.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
On labels and self-esteem
I was discussing with a friend of mine one day on how sometimes the worst thing we can do is label ourselves. See, ever since I met my friend she told me she’s a very shy girl – and I guess she is, but it’s not all she is.
Now, the issue of shyness is very close to my heart because I was painfully shy up until the time I started high school. And when I say ‘painfully’, I mean it really did cause me a lot of psychological stress. A lot of people who’ve met me in the last few years would find it hard to believe that I was once a shy person, but anyone from my family could confirm to you how true this is. When I was in primary school (both in Australia and in El Salvador), through every year I progressed, my teachers would speak to my mum to ask why I didn’t interact with any of the other children. I guess the concern was that I was autistic or had some sort of sensory deficit. My mum would explain to them, year after year, that I didn’t have a speech impediment, that I really both understood and spoke the language, and that I could communicate verbally. Academically, I scored at least average grades in classes so at least they didn’t believe I was intellectually impaired, but was always just “something” about me. I knew there was something too, but I knew it was from my extreme shyness. Whenever I did speak, I whispered so that no-one but myself could hear me speak. I was at the same time embarrassed to express myself and embarrassed to be so socially awkward. The solution to this problem was to continue silent.
As I grew older and started high-school I suddenly felt almost compelled to express myself – and in many forms. Some of my classmates whom I’d been to primary school with were absolutely shocked to see me for the first time speak, joke around, and finally have something to contribute verbally. Of course, although it did seem like a magical change in me, I guess I had also just been through puberty and the adolescent psychosocial needs of expression and personal identity were also taking over. I also did not improve in all arenas suddenly, and there are some social spheres I still struggle with, but becoming more self-aware of the problem also enabled me to seek help to improve. As with anyone who speaks of self-improvement will tell you, first you have to believe that you can change (and have the right motivation, and the desire to change, etc. etc.). But therein lies the problem of labelling yourself, because once you label yourself, you adopt the role and you forget that you can change if you’re motivated enough.
We often say "I'm shy" or "I'm depressed" and it's a much heavier statement than saying "I feel anxious in some social situations" or "sometimes I feel very down". The difficulty is that once we label ourselves it becomes a shield to hide behind (and not usually on purpose), that keeps us stagnant. If I start believing that I'm shy (or depressed) and I start describing myself as such, I will start acting like that at all times because that's what I've come to accept is my personality. It's very debilitating to label yourself long-term as anything because it limits your ability to grow. Whereas I could say, “I'm feeling sad right now”, if I say “I'm a depressed person” then I'm not describing a feeling but myself - and human beings don't find it easy to change what is essentially a part of themselves. I think of it as the equivalent as describing your skin colour; that's what our personalities can become if we describe ourselves by our character traits. It becomes as inescapable as our own skin. You soon can't get rid of your "shyness" or your "depression" the same way you can't change your skin. And what's worse is that one day it'll stop bothering us and we'll simply say "I can't and won't be happy because I'm a depressed person" or "I won't meet anyone new because I'm a shy person"...
There’s a speech by Margaret Cho, comedienne, that I’ve included below that describes much better than I ever could the negative consequences of lacking self-esteem, which I guess a big part of shyness is (at least in my experience).
Now, the issue of shyness is very close to my heart because I was painfully shy up until the time I started high school. And when I say ‘painfully’, I mean it really did cause me a lot of psychological stress. A lot of people who’ve met me in the last few years would find it hard to believe that I was once a shy person, but anyone from my family could confirm to you how true this is. When I was in primary school (both in Australia and in El Salvador), through every year I progressed, my teachers would speak to my mum to ask why I didn’t interact with any of the other children. I guess the concern was that I was autistic or had some sort of sensory deficit. My mum would explain to them, year after year, that I didn’t have a speech impediment, that I really both understood and spoke the language, and that I could communicate verbally. Academically, I scored at least average grades in classes so at least they didn’t believe I was intellectually impaired, but was always just “something” about me. I knew there was something too, but I knew it was from my extreme shyness. Whenever I did speak, I whispered so that no-one but myself could hear me speak. I was at the same time embarrassed to express myself and embarrassed to be so socially awkward. The solution to this problem was to continue silent.
As I grew older and started high-school I suddenly felt almost compelled to express myself – and in many forms. Some of my classmates whom I’d been to primary school with were absolutely shocked to see me for the first time speak, joke around, and finally have something to contribute verbally. Of course, although it did seem like a magical change in me, I guess I had also just been through puberty and the adolescent psychosocial needs of expression and personal identity were also taking over. I also did not improve in all arenas suddenly, and there are some social spheres I still struggle with, but becoming more self-aware of the problem also enabled me to seek help to improve. As with anyone who speaks of self-improvement will tell you, first you have to believe that you can change (and have the right motivation, and the desire to change, etc. etc.). But therein lies the problem of labelling yourself, because once you label yourself, you adopt the role and you forget that you can change if you’re motivated enough.
We often say "I'm shy" or "I'm depressed" and it's a much heavier statement than saying "I feel anxious in some social situations" or "sometimes I feel very down". The difficulty is that once we label ourselves it becomes a shield to hide behind (and not usually on purpose), that keeps us stagnant. If I start believing that I'm shy (or depressed) and I start describing myself as such, I will start acting like that at all times because that's what I've come to accept is my personality. It's very debilitating to label yourself long-term as anything because it limits your ability to grow. Whereas I could say, “I'm feeling sad right now”, if I say “I'm a depressed person” then I'm not describing a feeling but myself - and human beings don't find it easy to change what is essentially a part of themselves. I think of it as the equivalent as describing your skin colour; that's what our personalities can become if we describe ourselves by our character traits. It becomes as inescapable as our own skin. You soon can't get rid of your "shyness" or your "depression" the same way you can't change your skin. And what's worse is that one day it'll stop bothering us and we'll simply say "I can't and won't be happy because I'm a depressed person" or "I won't meet anyone new because I'm a shy person"...
There’s a speech by Margaret Cho, comedienne, that I’ve included below that describes much better than I ever could the negative consequences of lacking self-esteem, which I guess a big part of shyness is (at least in my experience).
From ‘The Notorious C.H.O.’
I have self-esteem, which is pretty amazing because I am probably someone who wouldn’t necessarily have a lot of self-esteem as I am considered a minority.
And if you are a woman, if you are a person of colour, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender; if you are a person of size, if you are person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity – then you are considered a minority in this world! And it's going to be really hard for us to find messages of self-love and support anywhere, especially women’s and gay men’s culture. It’s all about how you have to look a certain way, or else you're worthless. You know, when you look in the mirror and you think, "Ugh, I'm so fat, I'm so old, I’m so ugly"? Don't you know that's not your authentic self? But that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising. Magazines, movies, billboards, all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself, so that you will take your hard earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around cream that doesn't turn around shit.
When you don’t have self-esteem, you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really want to go for. You will hesitate to ask for a raise. You will hesitate to call yourself an American. You will hesitate to report a rape. You will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote. You will hesitate to dream.
For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution, and our revolution is long overdue.
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