On "that" year

Kingaroy, QLD

2006. I was 24 still. I was a child still. But before I tell you about that year, I’ll give you a speedy run-down on my life until then. Age -9 months: my mummy meets my daddy. Age -6 months: my mummy finds out the father of her daughter is also father to 14 other children before her. Ages 0-9 years: growing up in El Salvador, a country with low literacy amongst those of my social class, and in a single-parent family where no-one has ever finished high school even. Age 6: I “decide” to become a doctor like the “cool” guy my mum works for as a cleaner/nurse. Ages 6-22: still stubborn about wanting to be like that cool guy. Age 23: finally start medical school. Ages 23-24: study, study, study. And then 2006 came along…

Things got tough for me in 2006 and my second so-called “depressive” episode happened. I lost the joy in everything, study was a hassle, I became morbidly preoccupied with my own mortality, a great solitude and loneliness came over me, and I wanted nothing because simply wanting anything required effort. The social withdrawal and pathological shyness again set inside me. Then I got into a situation where a false accusation was made against me. I was feeling pressure from my religious peers and my internalized God concept. In essence, I felt deficient. I felt lacking. And I felt dead inside – and then the feeling to externalize what I felt inside came over me. I lacked the motivation, the energy and willpower to do even that. Fearing my own internal monsters, I chose instead to go again in search of Vanessa.

Once I left everything, I felt both a great freedom and a complete hatred and fear of that freedom. There were no friends, no company on my journey, I had some advice but which felt more like orders. I had no allies – and I didn’t want anything or anyone even if there had been such people there. At first the numbness overwhelmed me and I was as a ghost walking around (which I recognized because this was not the first time in my life I have had these “episodes”). Gradually, over the next few weeks, reality and the mundane started to creep in. I needed to eat, pay bills, move, reply to the questions that were being asked of me. I started then to formulate my own questions. Who is Vanessa? And yet, not so much who is she but who does she want to be? Why does she want to be that? Does she really want to be that? What does being that entail, the practicality of it? And what of everything else? What is important? Who is important? Who, if anyone, is my friend? And what do I do with these things I love but won’t make me any income? And what should I do about these things that keep pestering me, these things others call conscience? You’ll often hear me diss and complain about the ‘white man’s stupid concept of “finding themselves”’, but you could say that that is what I set out to do.

Specifically I had some questions to answer and that was my quest in this time without commitment to study to answer. Formulating the questions was the easy part. Even finding the answers while on the quest wasn’t that hard. Finding what you’re looking for is easier when you know what it is you’re looking for. The hardest part was making the decision to take a break from my study, my big commitment at that time, to go on my quest. I risked a lot. I risked losing my friends, my family’s belief in me, jeopardising potentially years and years of prior education (and money), and losing my credibility. But I made the choice and I then had to go exploring my questions, myself, trying out different scenarios and risk finding out that my whole life had been a sham. But sometimes not knowing is as deleterious as finding out an unpleasant truth.

The second part of my task, after walking away from it all, was easy: I had the question that needed to be answered. Did I really want to do medicine as a career or was it a childhood dream of mine that I expressed and no-one ever had the courage to shut me down about it despite all the odds being stacked against me? I was a poor kid in a third world country where tertiary education costs more than entire families need to survive. It was a nice fantasy that they let me believe for a long time – until fate and relocation made my dream a possibility. But I was always a stubborn person, did I want to go into medicine purely as a whim? To prove people wrong and that I could do it? They were questions, and I answered them fairly quickly, actually. I think that giving yourself the space to not feel judged is very empowering. People may still be judging you, and I remember a lot of “friends” and even family members discounting me as a drop-out, as someone with no stamina, as a loser. But me, I gave myself the space I needed, I didn’t need anyone’s permission to explore my own life and motivations.

Like I said, the process of answering my questions took a remarkably quick time after I let go of the restraints I allowed to be placed on me by society, by other people’s expectations, by my own pride, and by my pessimism and distorted view of ‘reality’. And in the process, I learnt not only who I in fact was, but also to no longer despise myself for not being what was ‘expected’ of me. The answer to my questions were:  yes, medicine is what I, Vanessa, want to work in; and this will be a job like any other. I came to this conclusion by considering the things I enjoy (writing, visual arts, and film and theatre) and the things that I could bear to do for income. I could not bear to do anything other than medicine as income, and I’d perhaps do it even without income if something else where somehow feeding me. At the same time I was able to explore many aspects of the medical profession, and I had no grand illusions about it like a lot of people do, illusions of ‘saving’ people or of ‘making a difference’. I came to understand a lot of the industrial and organisational psychology of the business. And I became comfortable with what I learnt.

The rest came easy. The friends elected themselves by being the only ones standing when everyone else had gone. I bit the bullet and made a religious commitment. I got a “money” job because I was already planning for my future and my dream to see the wild condors in the Andes in South America. I in fact spent the remaining months of that year killing time by working and entertaining myself until my return to uni and getting on with my task of achieving the next task on the journey. So guess what I do now for work? Medicine. And guess what I do for passion? Write. And I can now unashamedly say that my name is Vanessa and I know exactly who Vanessa is.

Condor! Colca Canyon - Arequipa, Peru

On an environmentalist

A monkey masturbating!

There is one man I credit with helping me lose the respect I once had for environmentalists. I won’t say his name, but he was a lecturer I once had for a bioethics class at university. Now, this man’s great passion was protecting animal rights, especially as they related to scientific research. He spoke of it all so passionately and realistically. He enjoyed the work of philosopher Peter Singer and he was also a vegetarian. Why do I mention that? Because it means he was a knowledgeable and “true to his cause” environmentalist. Anyhow, it was well understood knowledge that he was a very well accomplished ethicist and so he had the attention of all of us students. And then he let me down.

He, like many scientists and philosophers, admitted he was an atheist. Is that wrong? No; a person believes what they choose to believe and as long as it’s not coerced or misinformed, then there is nothing wrong with what they choose to believe. I in fact believe that there are few true atheists, but I’ll discuss that at a later stage. To this man, a “good” man I was lead to believe at that stage (he was an ethicist and an environmentalist, to say the least), the protection of nature, earth, and living creatures on, above, or beneath it was very very important. Wow, there’s a good human being! However, as the lecture moved on, he for some reason I can no longer recall, moved on to the subject of discussing religion. Ok, so he had already made it well known that he didn’t believe in “God” or that religion wasn’t of his preference. But he started to discuss a neighbour of his, a man he didn’t like: a man who was a Jehovah’s Witness in Christian belief.

So let me frame this for you so you understand why I found what he said so offensive and despicable. Firstly, he comes in with a reputation that he knows inspires respect and influence. Secondly, his reputation is that of a “good” man: one who cares about and defends defenceless animals and the natural environment. Thirdly, he is put in a position to educate very keen and suggestible young adults. It would be a great and excellent platform to incite some passion or at least enthusiasm for a good cause. He could have chosen to inspire us to defend the environment, to protest, to petition higher authorities for change and justice, to be kind to animals, to support the defenceless, to acknowledge the inherent power of a human being who is passionate in his pursuit of a definitive goal, etc.

What did he do instead? He told a story of his neighbour who is a Jehovah’s Witness. Now, the neighbour was a “bad” neighbour because he insisted on greeting him pleasantly over the fence between their properties, was always so jolly, and always wanted to make friendly conversation about anything at all. You know, the kind of guy like Ned Flanders from ‘The Simpsons’ who irritates because of his good nature. Similarly, this Jehovah’s Witness was a ‘bad’ man, he had us believe, for doing just that. So then this guy, this great ethicist, disclosed a fantasy of his: he said he would love to collect a whole bunch of leeches and set them free onto his neighbour until the leeches had sucked away all his blood, and given that he was a Jehovah’s Witness, watch him then die as he refused a blood transfusion. He laughed after telling this story. He laughed and then after a short awkward silence, the whole auditorium laughed with him. And then he continued the lecture on how a good person must ensure to promote the wellbeing of the environment and animals.

I was not at that stage a fully convinced Christian so I wasn’t offended for that reason, but I found his behaviour to be almost an abuse of power. Sure, in the right context it could have been considered a funny joke, but what was disturbing is that he was in a position of teaching, and we all learn best by example whether we believe it or not. Knowing he was an influential man in front of an impressionable crowd, he chose to spread disdain and hatred instead of promoting a humanitarian cause, or even just doing what he was being paid to do and teach us about the ethical use/care of animals in science. And what further aggravated me was the hypocrisy of claiming to be for the very humanitarian causes of protecting the environment and non-human species, and at the same time being capable of such great non-humanitarian discrimination, if not hatred, of a group of people. I say a group of people because he never said his neighbour’s name, he referred to him as “a Jehovah’sWitness”. I lost all respect for that man that day. I still consider it a shame that he is allowed such an awarded role in the university and still exposing impressionable students to his dichotomous, and somewhat concerning, views of the world and the creatures on it.

How is it possible that a person be able to love animals, to want to preserve and protect them from harm, and yet be so careless about the dominant animal species: humanity? If I wanted to keep a mouse alive, wouldn’t I consider it an equally respectable aim to keep a human being alive? If I considered it wrong to cruelly beat an animal, then why would I support or even promote the discrimination and abuse of a group of people? A lot of people who are passionate about the environment tell me their passion is because these animals, these trees and lakes and oceans, can’t protect themselves. And not only that, they do no harm to anyone. A human being, on the other hand, can not only defend himself but also launch an offence / attack towards other humans, towards animals, and towards even the very environment that keeps us alive. Yes, human beings are capable of evil, no doubt, but to admit that a person can be imperfect and to say he warrants death is a massive leap. 

^^^ Hilarious tattoo! - why you should think twice aboout what you put out there :P ^^^