On theism

The letter released by Yulia Tymoshenko  from her prison cell reminded me of that common saying that “there are no atheists in fox holes”.  Here’s a link to the letter which is an interesting read if you get the chance. In my case this got me to thinking about theism and why we either believe or don’t believe in God (or Gods).

I believe in God, as in that there is a non-human “thing” that started off the universe and still exists in a metaphysical form with power to intervene in anything that occurs in this universe. That’s how people commonly think of God, right? Then there’s, of course, differences in between what people attribute to God in terms of his powers, things he cares about, his opinion and judgement on human behaviour, things he intervenes in, and how he does so. Can I prove the existence of God or can anyone? No. People may raise certain arguments to support the belief in the existence of God, but there is no definitive proof in the way we commonly think of “proof”.

There are people who deny even the possibility that there may exist this metaphysical being who started off the universe. We call these people atheists. There are very few atheists in this world. I respect an atheist who will live his life according to his belief in the same way I respect a person with a spiritual belief in God who is not ashamed of his belief. There are, however, many people who claim to be atheists who mean only to say they don’t belong to any particular religion. But, then, what exactly is an atheist? It is a person who is self-reliant, who in his time of needs has only himself, his fellow humans, and our physical surroundings to rely on.  What’s wrong with that? Nothing! But what usually happens is when those things fail, most atheists become “believers”.

Why do we believe in God or gods? Because we don’t understand evolutionary theory well enough, because we’re ignorant and uneducated, because we lead empty lives and our spiritual beliefs make us feel like we have a purpose or our actions are relevant, because creationism for some reason makes more sense to us than the alternative, because our parents taught us to believe, because our government dictates we must follow religious doctrine, because believing in God seems right, etc., etc. And why do we not believe in God? Because we’re more than self-reliant – we’re arrogant in believing that we don’t need of anyone or anything , because we’re arrogant in the belief that humanity is the most superior being in the universe and don’t need of an external being or belief in an imaginary creature to survive, because we’ve been blinded and can’t appreciate the benevolence of God, because we’re more intelligent than believing in fairy stories any more, etc., etc. … You would have heard or maybe used any of these statements in the past, no doubt, but who’s right? What’s right?

Does it matter? Knowing whether a person believes in God or not tells you nothing beyond whether a person believes in God or not!  Actions, not beliefs, show our true character.

On "coming out"

One of my favourite quotes in the world is one by Gore Vidal that says “There is no such thing as a homosexual or a heterosexual person. There are only homo- or heterosexual acts. Most people are a mixture of impulses, if not practices”. He also said, “Actually, there is no such thing as a homosexual person, any more than there is such a thing as a heterosexual person. The words are adjectives describing sexual acts, not people”. Okay, so some of this argument is about semantics, but it is also about labels.

If you know me, you would know that I have a hatred of labels— and so comes this ambivalence about the whole concept of “coming out”. I do understand that the whole movement started as a way to counter discrimination against certain people because of their sexual practices, to claim back the respect and human rights owed to every human being. I understand how it is empowering, especially to individuals who have been oppressed, to claim with pride the person they are and their right to be. I understand that identifying with a group, coming together for camaraderie, is a very human thing and it is often the only way to bring about societal change. I understand how it came about, what I don’t like, however, is the expectation that is now placed on many people to “come out”, to label oneself as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or ‘questioning’.

One reason I don’t like the concept of “coming out” is that I find it biased that a person who has sex with a same-sex individual has to tell people about it, yet there is no expectation that a person who only engages in heterosexual acts do so. There are things about the sexual practices of my friends, my family, acquaintances, celebrities, politicians, and many other people that I don’t know about – and quite frankly couldn’t care less about. How old where they when they first had intercourse? What is their favourite sexual position? Are they multi-orgasmic? Do they prefer shaven or hairy genitals on their partner? Do they use toys? These are extremely personal and intimate questions about a person’s sexuality and we rarely are even bothered to know these things about people, so why should we care to know other intimate things like whether they have sex with men, women, or both. Does it change anything? No, it shouldn’t, especially if they’re your friends or family. Seriously, who would like to know all the sexual details of their friends or family? Not me. So why does there need to be this expectation that if you have sex with someone of your same gender that you have to tell the whole world about it? Quite frankly I have friends who are probably virgins, others that may or may not have had same-sex intercourse before, but I just really don’t care to hear about their sexual exploits one way or another. Sexual expression is a very intimate thing, usually only between two people, and that’s the way I am happy for it to stay.

And the other reason I am passionately against declaring your sexual preference is because of my hatred of labels. See, because once you tell the world you’re “gay” or “bisexual” that is all the world tends to see. You in fact lose a lot of your identity and become just a label, often described by a multitude of stereotypes. You may have sex with same-sex persons, but it’s probably not all you do. Maybe you have a job you’re very good at, maybe you follow a certain spiritual belief system, maybe you play an instrument or have a large family; but the moment you label yourself, that to me is like the death of the rest of you. And imagine being known for and described in terms of the things you like to do sexually! We would meet a lot of people, some of them our friends and family members, that were known as masturbators, others dildo-lovers, others anal-lovers, etc. But this is what some of our friends do and yet we think of them as friends, not as “straight” friends or “dildo-loving” friends, just our friends. The things our friends do and enjoy sexually is a personal matter for them and they aren’t and shouldn’t be expected to tell everyone about it, to “come out” as a dildo-lover or anal-bead enthusiast... So to “coming out” as gay or bisexual or transsexual, I say no (unless you consciencelessly choose to label yourself for whatever reason, for whatever secondary gain). To me, labelling isn’t creating equality. Labelling, putting up a division between “us” and “them”, isn’t creating equality between “us” and “them”, it just perpetuates the myth that people who have sex with same-sex individuals are purely defined by the sexual things they do. For me, to say a person is gay is a denial of everything else they are – and they may just be the best human being I know.

On labels and self-esteem

I was discussing with a friend of mine one day on how sometimes the worst thing we can do is label ourselves. See, ever since I met my friend she told me she’s a very shy girl – and I guess she is, but it’s not all she is.

Now, the issue of shyness is very close to my heart because I was painfully shy up until the time I started high school. And when I say ‘painfully’, I mean it really did cause me a lot of psychological stress. A lot of people who’ve met me in the last few years would find it hard to believe that I was once a shy person, but anyone from my family could confirm to you how true this is. When I was in primary school (both in Australia and in El Salvador), through every year I progressed, my teachers would speak to my mum to ask why I didn’t interact with any of the other children. I guess the concern was that I was autistic or had some sort of sensory deficit. My mum would explain to them, year after year, that I didn’t have a speech impediment, that I really both understood and spoke the language, and that I could communicate verbally. Academically, I scored at least average grades in classes so at least they didn’t believe I was intellectually impaired, but was always just “something” about me. I knew there was something too, but I knew it was from my extreme shyness. Whenever I did speak, I whispered so that no-one but myself could hear me speak. I was at the same time embarrassed to express myself and embarrassed to be so socially awkward. The solution to this problem was to continue silent.

As I grew older and started high-school I suddenly felt almost compelled to express myself – and in many forms. Some of my classmates whom I’d been to primary school with were absolutely shocked to see me for the first time speak, joke around, and finally have something to contribute verbally. Of course, although it did seem like a magical change in me, I guess I had also just been through puberty and the adolescent psychosocial needs of expression and personal identity were also taking over. I also did not improve in all arenas suddenly, and there are some social spheres I still struggle with, but becoming more self-aware of the problem also enabled me to seek help to improve. As with anyone who speaks of self-improvement will tell you, first you have to believe that you can change (and have the right motivation, and the desire to change, etc. etc.). But therein lies the problem of labelling yourself, because once you label yourself, you adopt the role and you forget that you can change if you’re motivated enough.

We often say "I'm shy" or "I'm depressed" and it's a much heavier statement than saying "I feel anxious in some social situations" or "sometimes I feel very down". The difficulty is that once we label ourselves it becomes a shield to hide behind (and not usually on purpose), that keeps us stagnant. If I start believing that I'm shy (or depressed) and I start describing myself as such, I will start acting like that at all times because that's what I've come to accept is my personality. It's very debilitating to label yourself long-term as anything because it limits your ability to grow. Whereas I could say, “I'm feeling sad right now”, if I say “I'm a depressed person” then I'm not describing a feeling but myself - and human beings don't find it easy to change what is essentially a part of themselves. I think of it as the equivalent as describing your skin colour; that's what our personalities can become if we describe ourselves by our character traits. It becomes as inescapable as our own skin. You soon can't get rid of your "shyness" or your "depression" the same way you can't change your skin. And what's worse is that one day it'll stop bothering us and we'll simply say "I can't and won't be happy because I'm a depressed person" or "I won't meet anyone new because I'm a shy person"...

There’s a speech by Margaret Cho, comedienne, that I’ve included below that describes much better than I ever could the negative consequences of lacking self-esteem, which I guess a big part of shyness is (at least in my experience).

From ‘The Notorious C.H.O.’
I have self-esteem, which is pretty amazing because I am probably someone who wouldn’t necessarily have a lot of self-esteem as I am considered a minority.

And if you are a woman, if you are a person of colour, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender; if you are a person of size, if you are person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity – then you are considered a minority in this world! And it's going to be really hard for us to find messages of self-love and support anywhere, especially women’s and gay men’s culture. It’s all about how you have to look a certain way, or else you're worthless. You know, when you look in the mirror and you think, "Ugh, I'm so fat, I'm so old, I’m so ugly"? Don't you know that's not your authentic self? But that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising. Magazines, movies, billboards, all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself, so that you will take your hard earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around cream that doesn't turn around shit.

When you don’t have self-esteem, you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really want to go for. You will hesitate to ask for a raise. You will hesitate to call yourself an American. You will hesitate to report a rape. You will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote. You will hesitate to dream.

For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution, and our revolution is long overdue.