A story about stuffing up

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather boast in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 

- 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Charlotte

I walk into the doctor's office. What exactly do I expect? What's wrong with me? What can she help me with, she asks. I don't know. I think I need something. I don't know. In my grandparents day I would have been having this conversation with a priest or an elder of my church. Church? What if any part of this is holy? Thirty-five years ago marrying in a church, I did not expect that today I would be having this conversation with anyone. What can you help me with?... I haven't been able to sleep in days. I have no desire to eat. I cry all day. Every day. How long has it been, she asks. Two weeks. But two weeks is a long time when you're heartbroken, feeling like the world has been removed from under your feet. I haven't felt present. I don't know why or who I am... Oh, she's looking at me blankly.

It's my husband, I tell her. He had sex with another woman. It's my fault; I haven't had sex with him since the first time this happened. Yes, it's happened before; a few years ago now. I should have known my mother was right; she said if you forgive him once, you have to be prepared that this will be only the first time. How could he? How could she? I don't know her, but what kind of person has no brains about her to get herself into this? That is not a normal person.

Why have I really come here? What is my goal? Do I really intend to continue a relationship with a man of such low character? Oh, he's a wonderful man, but how can this... this... I can only think of the words filth and numb. He used to be so good. We were so good. How do you put your whole family life on the line like that? What do you have to be thinking? He's a man, maybe all men are like this. Doctor, are all men like this? What do I do? She's still just looking at me blankly. Am I wrong in feeling all this? Does he have a problem? Do I? I think it's better if we have a problem, that way we can fix it... Oh God, what am I saying? She's still just looking at me wondering how she can help...

David

I always thought 'yeah, I'm attracted to powerful people, passionate people, people with drive and motivation'. And that may be the case but I think another part of me takes comfort in the weak. Is it because I compare myself to them? I don't know. I’m weak. I'm uncomfortable too. I don't love her like I used to. It happens to all couples. She keeps asking what was I thinking? What was I thinking. Dear, if you would understand that I wasn't thinking. I intended nothing; I thought of nothing but of the moment. They ask of addicts “why do you do it when you know that it’s so bad for you?” But no-one ever remembers how good it feels. People do things because they feel good, not because you want to avoid something worse. It felt good, Charlotte! It felt good! But I can’t tell you that... I tell you I was lonely. Of course, it’s not your fault! It’s not your fault! And this is what makes me most ashamed of this situation. You blame yourself, you hate me, and you think there was a reason and you won’t let up until you find it.

Charlotte, if I told you what attracted me to her it would hurt your soul. It was me; I was what attracted me to this. But to explain to you that it really was about me and not her, well, you just wouldn't understand. You simply cannot understand that she made me feel things about me that you can’t and won’t let me feel anymore. Oh, dear, I’m not blaming you, either. Please understand that’s not what I’m thinking at all. But you shut me down, you tell me what to do, you tell me when and how it’s appropriate to do it. These women, (yes, you know of that one) see me as a worthy person, an intelligent person, a good person. They see ME. And in your way I know you feel the same way about me; that’s the stories you tell your friends. You say I don’t love you anymore, but when did you stop loving me? Why won’t you show me that love? Why did you stop being sweet and caring and loving as we once were? Don’t tell me it’s because of that first lapse; you and I both know it happened much earlier. And THAT I will never understand. Why did you stop laughing with me to start laughing at the pathetic all-adoring little mascot of yours I became?

You ask what these women had that you don’t? Nothing! Absolutely nothing. It felt good to be wanted again, Charlotte. I wish you knew how much. I wish you let me feel this good again. You say you feel numb. Now you feel numb? I've been feeling this way for months and years!.. It’s no excuse, I know.

And now you drag me to this doctor’s appointment. Haven’t I shown you already how ashamed and regretful I am? Must you humiliate me further? A “check-up” on my health you say. Is there something wrong with my brain? Have I contracted some illness? I go along. I have no secrets left, Charlotte. I have nothing left in me.

The doctor

I’m listening. What else am I supposed to do? How can I help? Oh gosh, they never taught me any of this in med school. They don’t teach any of this anywhere. I agree this is a bad situation but do you understand I don’t know what to do either? You’re trying to figure out the direction of your life, and I’m trying to figure out how can I do my job and somehow, I don’t know how, contribute something today. "Empathetic listening", they said something like that in medical school. I resented them for trying to teach me so much communication stuff and not enough medicine. I wish I’d paid attention in case we ever came across this scenario. Fuck, am I feeling sorry for myself in a time like this? Focus, Vanessa. Thirty-five years of marriage, you say. Thirty-five?! I haven’t even been alive that long! I barely know the difference between my right and left and you’re asking me for marital advice? I don’t know. How to make a relationship last? What to do when you find yourself in an unequally-giving relationship? I don’t know. Clearly, I have no idea; I've barely known how to keep myself alive 30-something years and you ask me how to rescue a relationship. Focus. I have to focus. What was my job again?... STI check. Would you like me to run some tests to check for sexually-transmitted infections? Did I really just say that as you started to cry? I’m an idiot. Somebody throw me a frigging bone here! I’ll point out the tissue box on my desk. There, that’s better. You said you can’t eat, sleep, or stop thinking depressive thoughts in the last 2 weeks. Two weeks isn't enough to diagnose you with anything. And did I really just think about diagnosis? Bad shit happened to you, you’re sad, and I’m trying to find pathology in that? Jesus Christ, what the fuck has happened to my common sense, to my morals, to my better judgement? God, don’t ask me what I think your husband was thinking. Was that a rhetorical question? I don’t know. I say I don’t understand it either. Oh God, I’m in fucking agony here… Charlotte, can YOU tell ME what you think I can help you with? And let me just say, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. You have every right to be feeling the way you are. I don’t know what else to say to you, but I can tell you that.

And now you've brought your husband? What do you want me to say? How can I help you? How can either one of us be helped here, David? Stop telling me your story; it's inconsequential to me. Tell her! No, I'm being selfish and thinking only that I'll be late home again because you're spilling your guts out to me. Tell me. Cleanse your soul. Teach me things so that one day I may understand men and women like you and your wife. We've both stuffed up, David. And today I shouldn't have come to work.