I haven't been happy lately. I mean, I don't even know if I'm unhappy, miserable, or just expectant. And I thought to try to solve my question of whether I am happy or depressed or what by asking myself this: what would it take for me to be happy? Well, I always thought that I'd like to have a family unit of my own, to provide a house for them, to provide for my family, to work a job I don't hate, and to raise a child and be a good mother. But lately it's becoming tiresome having to get up in the morning and go to work. I want my work day to go quickly. I want tomorrow to take it's time getting here. I want the weekends to last forever. I want to stay in bed longer, to eat more, and more time to sit and not interact with anyone.
I figure I'm not depressed as at least I still want something, even if they are avoidant things. I remember a time when I was depressed and I just wanted nothing at all, when nothing mattered at all. So at least I do want things now. But am I happy? Will I ever be happy? I think I want to be. Yet I remember another quote, another favourite of mine, and I remember why at the same time I want never to be fully happy. I've also quoted this, by Charles Becker, before: “I would urge that you be dissatisfied. Not dissatisfied in the sense of disgruntlement, but dissatisfied in the sense of that ‘divine discontent’ which throughout the history of the world has produced all real progress and reform. I hope you will never be satisfied. I hope you will constantly feel the urge to improve and perfect not only yourself, but also the world around you”.
Is that why I'm unhappy? Is it because I do always want to be progressive, someone who is always active and contributing? Or am I just depressed? Lately I've been thinking about the very real probability that I may actually have the chance to start my own family soon, and I am so wanting it, so contemplating it as a reality I want, that it's making the rest of my life seem tedious and just like a filler in time. And, oh God, the possibility of not having a family and a providing for them - that is pure misery! The thought of it can put me in tears and despair. Am I unhappy? Is this vision of "happiness" unattained slowly killing my spirit? Or is it something else? Sometimes I think the best way out of all the uncertainty that is weighing me down is to just ignore the questions and simply move forward.
And maybe it's not even forward that I need to go, but backward. That is to say that sometimes I think it's best I go back to simpler times; like the time I first learnt about positive and negative contingencies. Recently my pet rabbit became ill and I hadn't felt that miserable in such a long time. I was petrified she may die and was suffering. I wanted her so badly to be well again. She needed surgery and was at the vet hospital three nights. I worried endlessly about her. I thought that if she dies, my life will lose its centre of balance and I would be immensely sad. I cried at the thought of it. When I finally got to bring her home, she was still quite fragile and I was still worried, though not as much as previously. Then I remembered to set myself a positive contingency: as soon as she's eating, drinking, and pooing normally again, I will be happy as I will know she has recuperated. That happened a few days after she came home! And even though I was upset from other events in my life, I actually felt happiness again in my heart to see my little rabbit eating away at some food. Yes, such little things can make me happy if I allow them too. And it is also true, of course, that also little things can make me very unhappy if I allow them too. But for now, my rabbit is eating her hay, hopping around, and I am a happy woman again, moving forward :)
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