On mothers and caring

I’ve had to bite my tongue in the last few weeks not to comment on some of the injustices I see happen in this world, especially when it comes to family – and especially our mothers. But I’ve seen a TV program recently about child carers of ill parents and my faith in humanity has again been restored! It felt to me so amazing to hear such grateful and selfless adolescents speak of the help they render to their parent and the sacrifices they make in their lives – and yet they are able realise that these things are to help a fellow human being and that the universe isn’t all about them. How refreshing! How amazing and admirable and such mature behaviour from these young souls. These young people spoke not about themselves and not about chores or burdens, but about something that seemed natural and dutiful to them – the way our parents didn’t whinge or throw a tantrum whenever we needed to be fed or clothed as babies, it was just a fact of life that the stronger person looks after the weaker one.

One of the most truthful quotes I have heard in the last week from a patient of mine was that “some parents have great children, and some have children that stay children”. Most of us grow out of the belief that the world revolves around us and we are the most important creature in the universe, but it may take other people up to the day that they have their own children to realise this (if they ever do).

In the last week my older patients have been telling me the stories of how their children did this or that for them or gave them presents in whatever form for mother’s day celebrations. And it’s great to hear. And yet I can’t help but also think of this as a sad thing that a lot of these parents have had to wait 12 months to get this kind of attention from the people for whom they have sacrificed so much time, efforts, money, and opportunities. On days when I feel particularly pessimistic, I think that for some of us offspring out there Mother’s Day should be renamed Hypocrite’s Day. Now, I use that particularly strong word purposely because I believe it is wrong to neglect or ignore a person except for one day a year when the media and commercial entities force us to remember them. I mean, sometimes our parents may have no need for flowers or chocolates, but they would be absolutely grateful if only we brought them a bit of food when they’re sick and are unable to meet their needs alone. When we were younger, every day was ‘Our Day’ and our parents fussed over us.  I wish so much that for those of our family (at least) we can be bothered to fuss over them when they’re in need – even if it doesn’t fall on a “special day”, and even if their problem isn’t cured by just flowers, chocolates, or material gifts.

You know what most of these mothers tell me they wish more than anything they get on Mother’s Day? That every day was like it so they would get to see their children more; that their children called them more often and asked how they are and how they may help;  and that their children showed appreciation and love for them more often.

But let me tell you also about a question I was asked recently too: Do I believe in Karma? Well, I guess I call it differently as I don’t have a traditionally Buddhist or Hindu belief system, but aside from my theo-philosophical beliefs, there are my social psychology beliefs. I once heard the story of a woman from my family who had several children but in her elderly years lived alone and was left to fend for herself for food, money, and all basic needs. But where were her children? Well, when these children were very young, this now-elderly woman abandoned her young family and left them to fend for their own. Now you ask why are her children not looking after their elderly mother? Well, because she is to them just another person whom they barely know but happen to share 50% of their DNA with. It’s hard to feel sorry or help a stranger who many many years ago only taught you that those that are weaker don’t deserve your help. I don’t call that karma but setting an example, reaping what we sow. It’s sad, but sometimes the truth is also sad.

What is wrong with this world? I don’t know. All I know is that nothing changes if nothing changes. I know that if you want to see different then you have to do things differently, and not wait for them to happen. I want there to be mothers out there that are loved and appreciated by their children. I want there also to be children out there who are shown by their mothers how to love, how to care, and what things are right and how to do them right. I want to set a good example. I want to have good rewards for my deeds. I want one day to be both a good daughter and a good mother.