On being in love (...and being too good)

In 'By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept' Paulo Coelho tells the story of a boy and a girl who grow up together, get to form a very close bond, but then grow up to have separate lives. The girl goes off to the city and studies at the university. Meantime, she learns of life by working whatever jobs young college students do, and she meets a lot of people who teach her about travel, love, sex, philosophy, etc. She becomes what you could call a very ‘worldly’ woman; a modern educated woman with no theological or philosophical constraint to limit any of her experiences. The boy grows up very differently. He enters a seminary and becomes a spiritual guru of sorts. He is respected and generally considered a very holy man. The boy and girl meet up again as man and woman and what was once an almost fraternal relationship becomes a romantic one. The girl feels inadequate because the boy’s profession requires that he travel, that he dedicate his “free” time to meditation, study, and consideration of deeper greater things, not the mundane things like being a partner in a romantic relationship. He doesn’t tell her this, but she knows it. She wouldn’t ask him either to give up his “gift”, his vocation and talent just to be her husband, boyfriend, lover, or whatever when he could be inspiration, intervention, guidance, and illumination to so many other human beings who need him too. And not to mention the fact that you may consider her a worldly, maybe even ungodly woman, and you may consider him a man truly of God.

One of the most horrible things a man has ever said to me was “you remind me of Jesus”. Now, I’m a Christian and I try to live my life as best I can so you may ask why would that be offensive to me and not a compliment? Because no-one has ever desired Jesus; no-one has ever desired to marry him, to make love to him, to kiss him softly and romantically on the cheek. Of course not. So many of us admire him, worship him, and love him with a firm spiritual belief. But you don’t fall in love with Jesus. No-one ever fell in love with me! And so this man telling me this was such an eye-opener for me; a cold glass of water across my face. Sure we all want to be good at something, but more than anything don’t we all just want to be loved? I think we do. I do.

The other very hurtful thing said to me, and it has been said to me on far too many occasions, was that I’m “too good”. Again, you could say ‘but that’s not an insult!’ No, it isn’t, but try having it said to you time and time again that “you’re too good for me”. Too good; not just good or good enough, but “too good”. Too good for this person to be with you, to love you, to take the risks we all do in love; “too good” for them to even try. There are a lot of people out there with self-esteem issues, and yet this isn’t distinctly the reason why people were telling me that I was “too good” for them. No. It had simply become the new catchphrase like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, which was a very sensitive way to simply end a relationship you didn’t want but that exonerated you from being the “bad guy” who broke the other person’s heart. So you tell a sweet, sensitive lie like “it’s not you, it’s me” or “you’re too good for me” or “you deserve so much better than me”. Suddenly you’re the hero who is making a sacrifice for this much “better” person. Gee, they should be grateful you’ve broken their heart!  And they would be, if only we didn’t all know that these very nice reasons are just words. I must admit, I personally have used the ‘you deserve better than me’ or ‘you’re too good’ spiels too when I didn’t want to feel bad about ending a relationship I wasn’t dedicated to.

You know what happened to me one day, though? I actually did meet someone I felt was too good for me. And you know what I did? Two things: 1) I became selfish, and 2) I fell in love. Anything is worth it when you’re in love. Mark Twain tells of how when he met his future wife he was a drunkard, poor and indebted gambler. The woman he fell in love with came from a wealthy and educated family. She was too good for him, clearly! But you know what he wrote? “I wouldn't have a girl I was worthy of. She wouldn't do. She wouldn't be respectable enough." He was quite aware of his circumstance and he knew he was being selfish in trying to convince the girl’s father that, yes, he’d most likely ruin his daughter’s reputation, but that he would love her and be with her until the end of their days. Some things are just worth it. Love is worth just about everything, even selfishness. And yet in telling this story I came to understand why it had hurt me so much when people had told me I was “too good” for them. I realised that when I thought that one person was actually too good for me, because I loved them, I wanted to become a better person for them.  So I came to realise that when people had told me I was “too good”, it had hurt me because I knew they were also saying that I wasn’t worth the effort.

Is it selfish to keep on after those one we feel are “too good” for us? Maybe. But it is extremely weak also to give up because you lack something, even if in the end it is purely self-esteem. When you’re truly in love, there is no room for comparisons or measure of a person’s “goodness” or anything else. When you’re truly in love, you want a particular person regardless of who they are, how spiritual or wealthy or educated or healthy or intellectual or adventurous - or anything - they are, or how deficient of these things you personally feel. There are some things that are truly worth the effort in this life. Love, to me, is worth just about everything.