On jealousy

In my experience, there are four types of people in relationships: the jealous types, the ones in denial about being jealous types, those with a good sense of self-worth, and those who aren’t really in love. I’m of the jealous type. I quite openly admit that because I know myself and I know that I have never liked my partners paying too much attention, comfort, or affection towards others, especially if that attention, comfort, and affection tends to be focused on one or a few people. Why do I get jealous? Well, the immediate reason is I want all of my partner’s attention, comfort, and affection because I am in love with them! The non-immediate reason is I wonder if all that fond interaction between my partner and someone else could eventually lead to romantic feelings between them. And of course I’m in love with my partner and I don’t want that to happen. It’s not far-fetched, either; when we are courting someone what we do is start to pay them more attention, affection, etc… So, yes, of course, they could potentially fall in love.  Anyhow, that is the reasoning of us jealous types.

The people in denial about being jealous types are usually those at the absolute extreme of jealousy! Generally, these are the people who become jealous about you even interacting with completely platonic friends and family. The problem isn’t that they’re in love with you and want you not to fall in love with others; the problem is usually that they don’t trust that you love them. I used to think that jealousy happened because of this pathological sense of possessiveness, but really it’s more about having a poor sense of self-worth. If someone pays your partner some attention (even that may come about in the normal workings of a day), or if (god forbid) your partner pays someone other than you some attention, the exuberantly jealous partner’s thoughts run to “they’re going to leave me”. But the full statement they’re saying to themselves, often subconsciously, is “they’re going to leave me because I’m not good enough or as good as anyone else”. But before you go and feel sorry for the poor person with the low self-esteem, think for a second of the partner. As the partner of someone at the extremes of jealousy what you feel is this constant statement that your love for your partner isn’t convincing them enough, that you never quite do the right thing to convince them of your love, and that your own commitment isn’t valued and is being doubted each time. Unfortunately, the jealous partner can eventually start to leave out from conversations the “I love you”, the “I’ve missed you”, the “how was your day?”. Instead they greet you with an interrogation into who you’ve spoken to and spent time with, etc. Sadly, this is how jealousy erodes relationships.

Those with a good sense of self-worth are ideal partners, then, right? Yes, when they don’t doubt your love for them and their love for you… But it’s not all about self-worth. Paulo Coelho, in his novel The Zahir, speaks of a couple of two very self-assured people. They’ve been married many years and are far from what you’d describe as jealous. One day, suddenly, the woman leaves the man. He had no idea of there being any trouble in the relationship or the woman being unhappy or wanting to leave him. In fact, it turns out, he knew very little about his wife. There’s a thin line between trying not to come across as jealous and simply not caring. When you take no interest in your partner’s life, you risk not being a part of it.

Do I have a point with this discussion? I guess I’m just trying to make a point of being aware of the messages we put out in relationships, of being self-aware of our relationship style, and of reflecting on whether the way we interact is putting across the right message to our partners.