I have previously mentioned the difficulty faced by victims of childhood sexual abuse as children and adolescents in telling someone of their predicament. They hesitate due to embarrassment, unwarranted guilt, fear, lack of understanding that they are victims to a terrible sin, and being unaware of the process, etc. Recently I’ve encountered a similar scenario, but in the adult victims of past sexual abuse.
Victims of childhood sexual abuse eventually grow up to become adults. Some become very capable adults, and a lot become crippled by the emotional and psychological scars of trauma. A lot of the people we encounter on a day to day basis have been past victims of this worst of crimes, most have never told a soul of their experiences. I want now to discuss a composite of this person, let’s call her Elisabeth.
An Unpleasant Story
Elizabeth was sexually abused by Josef between the ages of 10 and 14. Josef was Elisabeth’s stepfather, who joined the family just before Elisabeth’s 10th birthday. Elisabeth told Rosemarie, her mother, of Josef’s behaviour towards her, the fondling, etc. She did this when she was 14 and then the abuse stopped. Rosemarie had some “stern” words with Josef, but eventually she was a woman in love and they decided to put this “episode” behind them and move forward with family life. The “episode” was never discussed with police or counsellors or anyone else who may have cared. Rosemarie and Josef remain together to this day. Elisabeth, somehow, finally managed to escape the rape dungeon she called a home.
Elisabeth became a woman of her own, independent, self-sufficient, struggled with some things but succeeded in others; she was just a normal woman with a past most of us would never wish on our worst enemies. But the past was in the past and the past can’t hurt you, right? I don’t know that that is right. Elisabeth had managed to move ahead with her life, leaving the past behind, until one day the past came back to find her. Sounds clichéd, right? Yes, but it also sounds horrible and unfair.
One day Elisabeth found out that Josef was accused of doing some things she knew he was capable of, things she had witnessed at one time when she had been the victim of such things. But this was a separate incident, separate incidentS, things not related to her at all, but it brought to her consciousness something that she had suspected all along: that she was not Josef’s only ever victim. There had been others, there probably would be more… And whenever we read this scenario the answer seems so simple: tell. Elisabeth should tell her story, right? Elisabeth should do the right thing for the greater good, right?
Imagine yourself in Elisabeth’s shoes. In the movies and episodes of Law & Order: SVU what happens is that the Elisabeth-character tells her story, feels good about herself, saves the day, the baddie goes to prison forever, and everyone has a perfect life thereafter. Reality is not like the movies. Elisabeth knows this.
Elisabeth asks some people for advice; should she “assist” the potential case against Josef? This isn’t about her life or the things that happened to her, this is about doing the allegedly right thing. Everyone tells her, ‘yes, of course, you HAVE to tell your story’, it’s her duty. The thing is Elisabeth has a life now. She has left that past behind and she owes no-one anything for getting where she is. Who does she owe? Josef’s other victims? The “general public”? Why? She suffered too, but how does that make her anything other than a victim? And will she really feel better to tell her story, to become the hero that saves the fate of children she’s never met and owes nothing to? Doing good things makes everyone feel good, we’re told… And yet I feel that no one should feel coerced to re-live any pain except for their own self.
How do we convince Elisabeth to do the “right” thing? What is the right thing to do? This is the dilemma of knowing something that incriminates someone, but that also inadvertedly incriminates you too. I know you’re thinking ‘but how does that incriminate her if she tells her story?’ Josef maybe or maybe doesn’t get prison time. Elisabeth is punished by having to re-live pain of her story, the humiliation and embarrassment of discussing the very personal and degrading things done to her, she is faced by the well-meaning but hurtful murmurs that if she had told earlier none of those other victims should have had to suffer what they did. Is it worth it? Is the sacrifice worth it for Elisabeth? Forget for a second the “general public”, the “greater good”, is all this worth it to Elisabeth? What will she gain by telling her story?... It’s easy to answer that, but not if you’re truly only thinking of Elisabeth. The only person thinking of Elisabeth – and for a long time – has only being Elisabeth.
And if Elisabeth doesn’t tell her story and Josef goes on to abuse other children, is it Elisabeth’s fault or is it Josef’s? Elisabeth was a victim. Before we judge her, we have to understand her dilemma. Sometimes it’s enough to be a survivor without being a hero.
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