On online dating

A lot of people are doing the online dating thing these days, which I guess is a good thing, but I’d like to share some few light-hearted anecdotes I have come across in my time – yes, from my experience.

The first thing you may wonder is why do people try online dating? In fact, I think it’s better to ask what kind of people try it? The main reason people fear online dating is because they imagine that all those into online dating are either serial killers who will murder them at the restaurant they’ve agreed to meet at for dinner, or they are people who only want anonymous casual sex not “dating”, or they may believe that online dating sites are populated by the computer geeks who don’t actually leave the side of their computers to go out into the “real world”. This is mostly a false stereotype; but I could tell you a little more about the real people who try online dating. I say real people because I have met a fair few of them, either through the usual means (my friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc) or people I personally have met by this method.

So why do people - people like you or me - try online dating? Because they want to meet people to date, right? Isn’t that the point? Yes! So, none of the people I have known have told me that they wanted to try online dating for the anonymous sex, to scam vulnerable people, or to rape or murder someone. So you’d think these people would be in the minority, right? Right. So who is doing all the online dating, then? I’d say 40% are “normal” people who are sick and tired of waiting around for the right person to show up through the traditional means of meeting people at a bar or through mutual friends. Another 48% or so are also people sick of waiting around to meet someone through traditional means, but have actually struggled to succeed in this because of some serious character flaws like being emotionally unstable or unavailable, scarily bordering on being a stalker, and/or having some sort of psychiatric/personality disorder. The rest are the sex maniacs looking strictly for quick hook-ups (probably behind the wife’s back) (2%), and scammers trying the modern version of “gold-digging” to make some money off the vulnerable (10%).

So if you’re of the normal 40% of people who try online dating, how do you avoid the 60% of online daters you don’t want to end up dating? Well, I’d like to just share some tips on the language of online dating I have found. When you read people’s profiles on dating sites no-one writes on there that they are obese, unemployed, diagnosed with a mental disorder, homeless, have poor dentition, are arrogant little brats, or anything of the sort. No, they tell you that they “love to travel”, or “they enjoy spending time with family and friends”, that they’re “fun-loving”, “creative”, “enjoy exercising”, “love BBQs”, “enjoy movies”…  which could be just about anyone on the planet! Someone on an online-dating site blog once said, ‘if you’re so great, why are you single and on here?’. My point exactly. So you have to be smart about reading what people say about themselves the same way you have to be discerning when reading what real estate agents write about the properties they are trying to sell. Here’s a little list of online dating translations I’ve noted:

Love animals = Crazy cat lady. Never want to have children. Ever.

Vegetarian = Militant animal activist (Nothing wrong with being a vegetarian, but if they tell you this on their profile, they’ll shout “Murderer!” if you order a non-vegetarian dish at dinner.)

Cute = Obese

Fun = Crazy and/or alcoholic

Love to travel = Unstable

Enjoy life = Unemployed

Love ink (aka ‘love tattoos’) = Unemployed, drug-addicted, alcoholic, physically-aggressive, and/or ex-prisoner.

Creative = Working menial jobs while waiting for their “big break”, but in the meantime you're paying for all outings.

Educated / Have a degree = Arrogant prick

Don’t read books much = Can’t read, never finished primary school

I don’t want any drama = I am a drama queen, possibly a stalker

Bubbly = Friendly alcoholic

Open-minded = Hippy and/or psychotic

I don’t want a mini-me = I hate myself, you, and all of society

Easy-going = I don’t have any of my own opinions or preferences

Over the bar and club scene = I have STDs

I love my job = I have no actual time to get to know anyone, but I just don’t want to list my relationship status as ‘single’ anymore

I enjoy going for long walks = I enjoy masturbating… often. Also, I’m unemployed and have no car

I like to spoil that special someone = I will stalk you until you love me, or the restraining order do us part

…If that’s you, contact me = I guarantee I will have sex with you on the first date

I hope that helps someone avoid the 60% of fruit-loops out there in the online dating game. Learn from my fails. J

And never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, should you date someone who says “I don’t want any drama". They love it! Especially if the police have to get involved!

On the Eminem thing

People think I’m trying to be purposely funny when I describe myself in the “About Me” section as being like Eminem. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never met Marshall Mathers III, and I’ve never even had the good fortune of being to an Eminem concert. I identify a lot with most of the lyrics of Eminem’s songs, though. A lot of people must; he sells records in the millions of copies. Personally I believe he is a great expressionist, and not only that, he has a very common human story.

There is an Eminem song (Same song & dance) where he is considering different ways to tell his crush how he feels about her (he’s a shy, socially-awkward person like so many of us) and he postulates: "Should I cut off one of my ears and mail it to her? Send her pictures of my collections of skeletons? Or footage of me impaling myself on an elephant's tusk?" This kind of strategy may not occur to everyone, but it does to Eminem because he is he and he thinks the way he does… I keep a small collection of animal skeletons and to me Eminem’s proposition of sharing something dear to him does not seem strange.

I won’t go try to analyse Eminem’s lyrics for anyone, but I would like to share some of them which are the reason I identify with him so much. I guess, the way Jorge Luis Borge’s words always come to mind: ‘each man is every man’ and each man’s story is shared by every man. I have been the “dark phase” Eminem, as much as I have been the Eminem who rejoices in his blessings. We all have to different degrees, I think J

I'm not afraid /To take a stand

Everybody /Come take my hand

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just lettin’ you know that you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road…

****

I got some skeletons in my closet /and I don't know if no one knows it /So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it /I'm-a expose it... (Cleaning Out my Closet)

Well since age twelve, I've felt like I'm someone else /’Cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt...

And by the way, when you see my dad, /Tell him that I slit his throat in this dream I had. (My Name is)

All I know is I don't want to follow in the footsteps of my dad /’cause I hate him so bad /The worst fear that I had /was growing up to be like his f*ckin’ ass /Man if you could understand /why I am the way that I am... I never dreamt I'd get to the level that I'm at /This is whack! This is more than I ever could have asked... (Saying Goodbye to Hollywood)

Yo, never was a thug, just infatuated with guns...

/I'm a soldier, these shoulders hold up so much /They won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up... (Soldier)

My thoughts are sporadic /I act like I'm an addict /I rap like I'm addicted to smack... (‘Til I Collapse)

Sometimes I feel so alone /I just don't know /feels like I been down this road before /So lonely and cold /it's like something takes over me /Soon as I go home and close the door. (Deja Vu)

I'm just so f*ckin' depressed /I just can seem to get out this slump... I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humour /Everything is so tense and gloom... (Beautiful)

Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds /It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me...

But what's this sh*t you said about you like to cut your wrists too? /I say that sh*t just clownin’, dog /C'mon, how f*cked up is you? /You got some issues, Stan. I think you need some counselling... (Stan)

If I, were to die murdered in cold blood tomorrow /Would you feel sorrow or show love, or would it matter?...

But there's way too much at stake for me to be fake /There's too much on my plate, I’ve come way /too far in this game to turn and walk away...

The only way I'm leavin’ this bitch is suicide... I'm not what ya think /I appear to be f*cked up, mentally endangered /I can't stay away from a razor...

 It hurts when you see your friends turn their back on you, dog /And you ain't got nothing’ left but your word and your balls /And you're stressed from the calls of your new friends /Begging with their hands out...

Death itself can hurt me /Just the thought of dyin’ alone that really irks me (When the Music Stops)

Sometimes I think, there's nothing to live for /I almost break down and cry /Sometimes I think I'm crazy; I'm crazy, oh so crazy! /Why am I here? Am I just wastin’ my time?..

People make jokes, cos they don't understand me /They just don't see my real side /I act like shit don't phase me /Inside it drives me crazy /My insecurities could eat me alive... Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders /Everyone's leanin’ on me /Sometimes it feels like the world's almost over... (Hailie’s Song)

I never would have dreamed in a million years I'd see /so many motherf*ckin’ people, who feel like me /Who share the same views and the same exact beliefs /It's like a f*ckin ARMY marching in back of me (White America)

Yet everybody just feels like they can relate /I guess words are a motherf*cker, they can be great /or they can degrade. Or even worse, they can teach hate /It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make /like they worship us... They say music can alter moods and talk to you /Well can it load a gun up for you and cock it too?... That's why we sing for these kids who don't have a thing /except for a dream and a f*ckin’ rap magazine /Who post pin-up pictures on they walls all day long /Idolize they favourite rappers and know all they songs /Or for anyone who's ever been through sh*t in they lives /'Til they sit and they cry at night wishin’ they'd die /'Til they throw on a rap record and they sit and they vibe /We're nothin to you - but we're the f*ckin’ sh*t in they eyes /That's why we seize the moment, try to freeze it and own it /Squeeze it and hold it, cause we consider these minutes golden /And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone, just let our spirits live on /through our lyrics that you hear in our songs... (Sing For the Moment)

(If it looks like you’ve seen this before, I have posted most of it on my facebook notes before.)

On theism

The letter released by Yulia Tymoshenko  from her prison cell reminded me of that common saying that “there are no atheists in fox holes”.  Here’s a link to the letter which is an interesting read if you get the chance. In my case this got me to thinking about theism and why we either believe or don’t believe in God (or Gods).

I believe in God, as in that there is a non-human “thing” that started off the universe and still exists in a metaphysical form with power to intervene in anything that occurs in this universe. That’s how people commonly think of God, right? Then there’s, of course, differences in between what people attribute to God in terms of his powers, things he cares about, his opinion and judgement on human behaviour, things he intervenes in, and how he does so. Can I prove the existence of God or can anyone? No. People may raise certain arguments to support the belief in the existence of God, but there is no definitive proof in the way we commonly think of “proof”.

There are people who deny even the possibility that there may exist this metaphysical being who started off the universe. We call these people atheists. There are very few atheists in this world. I respect an atheist who will live his life according to his belief in the same way I respect a person with a spiritual belief in God who is not ashamed of his belief. There are, however, many people who claim to be atheists who mean only to say they don’t belong to any particular religion. But, then, what exactly is an atheist? It is a person who is self-reliant, who in his time of needs has only himself, his fellow humans, and our physical surroundings to rely on.  What’s wrong with that? Nothing! But what usually happens is when those things fail, most atheists become “believers”.

Why do we believe in God or gods? Because we don’t understand evolutionary theory well enough, because we’re ignorant and uneducated, because we lead empty lives and our spiritual beliefs make us feel like we have a purpose or our actions are relevant, because creationism for some reason makes more sense to us than the alternative, because our parents taught us to believe, because our government dictates we must follow religious doctrine, because believing in God seems right, etc., etc. And why do we not believe in God? Because we’re more than self-reliant – we’re arrogant in believing that we don’t need of anyone or anything , because we’re arrogant in the belief that humanity is the most superior being in the universe and don’t need of an external being or belief in an imaginary creature to survive, because we’ve been blinded and can’t appreciate the benevolence of God, because we’re more intelligent than believing in fairy stories any more, etc., etc. … You would have heard or maybe used any of these statements in the past, no doubt, but who’s right? What’s right?

Does it matter? Knowing whether a person believes in God or not tells you nothing beyond whether a person believes in God or not!  Actions, not beliefs, show our true character.

On logical suicide

I was at an internal medicine grand rounds talk one day when a colleague started speaking about “logical suicide”; as in suicide that does not seem like the irrational choice we all have come to believe it is. Experience, philosophy, or science, have taught us that a human being’s overriding desire in life is to live. If we deviate from this, if a person wants not to live, then that human being must be ill or evil. But are there ever situations when suicide can actually be thought of as logical? It takes a little bit of tearing down of our usual norms to even contemplate this, but I was curious to explore this further.

A life worth living

In medical ethics circles you’ll often hear the terms “a life worth living” and “quality of life” banded around. What is a life worth living? Most of our lives. We have our basic physiological needs met; we have freedom to think, decide, and act accordingly; and we have (most of us, I mean) the physical capabilities to transform our desires into acts. But, then, just what is a life not worth living? You could say that it is a life that lacks those things we spoke about before, but that’s not true. You may lack any, a few, a lot, most, or all of your physical abilities and yet still consider your life worth living. The important thing is that decision on the ‘worthiness’ of your life is made by you, the owner of that life and body.

A life not worth living

The medical profession and some societal groups, though, have decided on certain broad aspects of a human being’s existence which, if lacking, deem that person’s life a “life not worth living”.  Things like if a person’s brain lacks measurable electrophysiological activity, or if the person requires constant support in their nutrition, hydration, breathing, etc. Of course, the problem with a third party deciding which life is worthy and which not worthy of living is a very fearful one. The Nazis, for example, conceived a concept of “a lifeunworthy of life”. Initially, they considered it a socially useful tact to destroy peoples who were brain dead, brain impaired, mentally retarded, or psychiatrically ill to the extent that they could not survive without the assistance of others. It was considered that these people weren’t worthy of life and in fact were unaware of what life meant, therefore, eliminating them from society (by purposely killing them) was totally acceptable. We are now all very aware that the Nazis’ category of “life unworthy of life” eventually extended to some very broad groups of people and resulted in mass killings without a logical rationale. I, am, however, now digressing…

Suicide

Why do people suicide? That is a question psychologists, scientists, doctors, religious people, and a lot of us ask every day! What do people who suicide tell us (in their last writings or after a “near miss”)? That they did it to end to the pain, that they could see no other options in their life, that they no longer wanted the mundanity of life, that they had failed beyond what they considered remediable, that they had succeeded enough that anything further would be a downhill decline which they didn’t want to face, that they had nothing left to live for, that they had more to gain in death and the afterlife, that they didn’t want to be a burden on others around them that supported them in their existence, etc., etc. People’s reasons for dying are as complex as those we live for. And yet, for most of us, living just seems like the right thing to do. Most of us don’t even question it. And when we become ill or our life is threatened in any other way, our instinct is to try to preserve it. Then what is wrong with people who want to die? People will often quote you that up to 95% of people who commit suicide have a mental illness, for example, depression. But I’ve always wondered about the other 5%. OK, OK, 4% didn’t have a diagnosed mental illness but were intoxicated with drugs or alcohol, acted impulsively after a sudden change in life circumstance, or suicided “accidentally”. But what about the remaining 1%?

Logical Suicide

I’ll start by acknowledging that I’m playing devil’s advocate here just to explore this question further. My colleague who spoke of logical suicide was in fact speaking of one of our patients. It’s not that he disliked this patient and wanted him to die, he was just saying that if this patient decided to suicide, it wouldn’t be considered a totally irrational thing to do. Of course, there were a gasps of disbelief in the room and a few chuckles thinking he was purposely trying to bring up a taboo for a few laughs. How could he speak such preposterous ideas? Because he knew the patient was very aware of his own conditions. The patient did not suffer an intellectual impairment and he knew what he had been through with his condition and that it was only going to get much worse for him. He was in constant pain and discomfort. He was still physically able to act so as to procure his own death and he was not depressed or suffering any other mental illness. Would he want to face further suffering and physical deterioration? If he didn’t, would his opinion be irrational? If he suicided, could you consider his decision illogical? What happened in that room with our colleague having raised this, is that the conversation quickly changed topic. It is still taboo to speak of these things, apparently.

Now, consider a person who, like most of us, has set an agenda for his life, something he would like to achieve and this is what motivates him day to day to keep living. For some of us this is doing a particular job, helping others, marrying the person you love, competing in a sporting race, raising your children, making music, self-expression, visiting a particular place on earth, caring for your parents, etc. These are things worth living for, for you, at least. Now, let’s consider, for example, a person whose sole motivating thing in life is to get married and have children. He wants that more than anything else in life, and that would make his life happy and complete. He is not unhappy without it, however, but he is just existing with the purpose of achieving his dream. What if he was born with a physical impairment that meant he was completely dependent on someone else to care for him and as a result wasn’t able to meet any women to have potentially fall in love with him, marry him, or have his children? He reaches 20 and hasn’t met anyone yet, online or in person. He reaches 30 and he is still in the same predicament. He reaches 40 and his parents, who are his only source of real meaningful love (but not of romantic love, which he desires), are becoming elderly and still his predicament hasn’t changed or improved. He isn’t any more likely now to a) become free of his illness, b) prevent his own physical deterioration, c) find a new overwhelming desire/purpose for his life, or d) fulfil his own self-designated mission in life. What is he living for? How does he answer that question to himself if he isn’t a religious man? Is he living to wait for his death one day?... Well, if this man suicides thinking he has nothing of value to him to live for, could you honestly say his suicide was not logical?

Living

When someone speaks of suicide, of contemplating it, we often see ourselves come up in defence of “life”. We tell the person that they should seek treatment for a mental illness, or we “remind” them how wonderful life is, or we tell them how missed they will be and how many people love and care for them, or we say that perhaps soon medical science will come up with a solution to what discourages them from life, or we tell them to think of how much they will hurt others if they go through with what they’re contemplating… We’re actually pretty good advocates for life! However, perhaps what we should be doing instead of telling others how to feel or what to think, is ask some questions of how they’ve reached their conclusions. The person most likely to convince you of something, even living, is yourself. And hearing back your own arguments for life vs. death is perhaps the only way to have a person change their minds on suicide.

Until recently we still spoke a lot on suicide prevention, but that lead to a lot of people (family, friends, religious ministers, health professionals, etc.) feeling guilty. They were feeling guilty because suicide was being discussed as purely “preventable”, which mainly implied that it could and should be prevented, and if a person succeeded in suiciding then it meant that someone (or everyone) had failed this person. The emphasis is now shifting to raising ‘suicide awareness’, to be able to recognise those at risk of suicide. Most of these people can be helped. The others we may not be able to prevent from suiciding, but we can equally help while they’re living. You don’t need to be anyone special or especially-trained to do this, all you have to do is be a human being and engage the attention of another human being. Who knows, they may just help you too.

On me... and turning 30

It’s funny, if you ask some people who have really gotten to know me intimately they’ll tell you that I have several different personalities. These people have at times asked me who is the “real” Vanessa. I can tell you straight out that ALL of them are. If you’d met me some years ago and asked me to list the things that to me are the most important in life I would have told you: family, love, expression, enjoyment, spirituality, and work. If you met me at another point in my life I would have answered exactly the same thing – but in a different order! That is where my “inconsistencies” lie, but actually I am just very average J

The self-hating years

The single most hurtful thing ever said to me was “you’ve had a perfect life”. Yeah, it was hurtful because it was said by someone close to me who obviously didn’t know me much at all. I don’t believe there are such things as perfect lives or perfect childhoods, everyone does the best with what they’re given. I don’t know if I am (or was?) autistic to a degree, but I never really connected with anyone as a child. And it didn’t bother me to have no friends; I was quite happy in my own inner world, my make-believe play, and reading books to learn something that interested me. At age 10 I was faced with circumstances that are actually very common in most cultures but that I would never wish upon anyone. As a result of this I lost the ability to trust, to believe, to feel safe and worthwhile. From then on I started hating more than just my own physical self, but also my future self, believing that I deserved nothing good to ever come to me in my life. It was very draining, and my inner world grew increasingly darker and I became more and more self-deprecating.

At about the age of 20, after I had finished my undergraduate degree in science, the self-loathing and self-denial of my own need to be human finally climaxed. I started psychotherapy for the first time then. What came of it? My single greatest victory was to forgive those that had hurt me and to forgive myself for being hurt. It seems so miniscule and meaningless that I can summarise it in one sentence, but the amount of healing the simple act of swapping the words “sorry” for “thank you” is hardly able to be explained. I finally stopped apologising for being Vanessa, for allowing myself as a child to be hurt, and I stopped apologising for the simple fact of being alive. Instead I started to be grateful to be alive and I allowed myself to have (and not feel guilty about having) human needs of personal fulfilment and achievement. It was a very slow process to accept myself, to disrobe myself of the self-loathing, to finally become and be comfortable in being Vanessa in all my forms.

At 24 my curiosity and interest in spiritual matters brought me to commit to Christianity after having studied several theological and philosophical systems for many years. What lead me to finally make this commitment was that I came to understand that it’s ok to not be perfect, it’s human nature, and that the ability to feel connection to God is not barred to me or anyone else regardless of their past, present, or future. That was spiritual commitment and to some extent also fulfilment. During and after this time I also gradually learnt to not hate or feel ashamed of my physical appearance, of my lack of social skills, of my naivety, and of all these things I had for which I felt I couldn’t be like “normal” people. I guess in all this I may have eventually overshot the mark  :P

The self-loving years

I was around 26 before I could bear the thought of being ok with being seeing as me, as a complete and separate person of my own. I guess by that stage I had allowed people to get to know me, all aspects of me, and to become my friends who I could trust and expect some trust and caring in return. I grew more confident in many things also. I finally was not afraid or concerned to be seen for me. I was nearly 27 before I finally allowed myself to remove my clothes off in front of another human being – someone of my choosing and with my full consent. This part was the hardest step for me, the rest was quite easy. And in fact it probably got to be a bit too easy J

My mistake was that after I learnt to love myself, I probably started to love only myself. I started to consider romantic partners as purely things to increase my own enjoyment and happiness. They say that people with histories of abuse most often become either one of two things in their future relationships: the abuser or the abused. I had decided from when I was 20 and started therapy, that I would never again be a victim of abuse. And so here I was, playing out another role. I had never had a time in my life when I didn’t feel guilty about being alive, but maybe at times it would have been good to at least feel pity for others. Needless to say, several  partners later, I still wasn’t a winner. Despite me finally being able to love myself and form sort of bonds with others, I still hadn’t learnt what it was like to love others. I mean, of course, what it was like to be in love.

The loving years

Wait, having sex and making love aren’t the same things?... No. I eventually learnt that too. June 2010, or sometime after that, I fell in love for the first time in my life! How did I know it was different? Because I found myself missing someone else, wanting someone else’s approval, feeling safe and confident to be associated with someone, feeling a part of something very special. It didn’t last long and I was a different kind of sad to what I’d previously known when it ended. But you know what bothered me most about it ending? Because after all those years it had taken me to convince myself that I was a worthy human being, the overwhelming message I was getting was that I wasn’t worthy of another being’s sacrifice to be with me. My partner wouldn’t sacrifice any of the things I would have sacrificed in a heartbeat to be with them. And that hurt me so much. It was like being told all over again that I wasn’t a worthy human being. But this time I didn’t believe it for long, because sometimes all you can do is let go and remember that regardless of what someone may think of me, I am still Vanessa.

And then the unthinkable happened and I fell in love for the second time in my life. Wow! What a blessing it was. It was beyond what I had ever imagined;  my new love met and exceeded every standard I ever had. This was truly the love of my life, the one person you could have sworn was fabricated purely using every guideline for a good person I had in my mind. Words can’t do this story justice. Of course, I was in love with this person so you’d be right in saying I am biased, but I didn’t care what anyone had to say. The only approval I needed in this world was from this one person . Truly, never have I felt so secure, so safe, so myself, so part of something greater than special, than when I was part of this partnership. Then the worst thing happened! The worst thing to have happened to me at this moment in time after what I’ve been through, I mean. There were reasons for it, but I was left alone again. I only wish I had been given a chance to correct my flaws, that whatever good was at first seen in me (what I think I see in myself too) would have been worthy of another chance, of a sacrifice. Or am I really not as worthy as I think I am?

The years of being loved

I hope in future to be loved, but it’s not enough just to be loved here and now. I hope to have someone fall in love with me truly, to want me, to wish to be with me, and that this wish is enough to motivate the things every successful relationship needs: compromise and self-sacrifice. I am worth it, right? I think I am. It’s been 30 years, and I’m ready to be loved the way I eventually learnt to love too. I am ready for so many things. But I am ready mostly to say that only God can judge me for my life.