On making "the unhappy" happy - Part 1/2

One thing that took me a while to understand when I was younger is that “love”, or having a romantic relationship, doesn’t cure everything. In fairy tales, people fall in love and love rids you of physical “ugliness”, of having an evil heart, of disease and death, of financial poverty, of social oppression, of emotional and physical abuse, of low self-esteem, of disability, and of every negative thing that can happen to a human being. And don’t get me wrong, I like those stories as much as anyone else, and I'm also aware they are often metaphors for what love can actually achieve. Essentially love, being in love, being loved, loving, discovering love, etc. has the effect of giving human beings courage to believe in their own strength and to take risks. The greatest motivator for positive change and the strength to bring about that change is love. Love can conquer all…

The second most difficult thing for a human being to do is to bring about change in this world. The single most difficult thing in this life for us to do is to bring about change in ourselves. Love is supposed to make all things possible, right? That’s what the fairy tales tell us. That is what we have learnt personally from life. I still believe this is true. But there is one scenario unique to human beings I find particularly interesting when considering all that love can do.

Depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) result in unique states of mind where the “enemy” and the “villain” that we fight everyday lives exclusively within our hearts and minds. He may have been created by exposure to psychologically trauma or neurobiochemical imbalances or social oppression and abuse, or any of a myriad of negative human experiences. Yet the outcome of these situations are so common that someone has been able to make lists of the cognitive effects that result. They are described commonly in books and medical and scientific literature and classified into categories that receive the names of “mood disorders”. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD are very common diagnoses given to the people who suffer the effects of having these internal enemies to fight; the low mood, the lack of self-esteem, the sense of worthlessness, the compulsion to self-harm, the feelings of inability to better one’s own situation, and the inability to envision a future different to the inner world they seem trapped in.

I have seen many patients with PTSD, mainly war veterans, but all survivors of some sort of abuse or extremes of human experience. These people have lived through horrible things – and survived! If anybody can be called strong and honorable, it is them. Yet, they often are the first to believe they don’t deserve to be alive or to have good things in life. Bullets kill many soldiers in combat; depression and PTSD kills way too many survivors. People don’t choose to suffer depression, anxiety, or PTSD, the same way none of us choose to voluntarily suffer. And the worst part is that with these psychiatric complaints, you also can’t choose to “just snap out of it”. The goals of treatment in these disorders are not aimed at cure, but at managing symptoms, learning new ways to process information to help stop triggering these inner beasts, and minimizing the number of exacerbations. Of course, there are many ways we go about doing this (medication, psychotherapy, self-directed education, meditation, etc.), but generally there’s no way to completely cure these problems.

But wait, what about love? Doesn’t love “conquer ALL? Doesn’t love give you strength, courage, motivation, hope, etc. to achieve anything in life – even to change the world? The thing with depression, PTSD, and other psychiatric complaints is that the thing to conquer lies within. But love should be able to help you achieve even that, right? Isn’t love also able to change a human being? I used to believe just that.

On what I've been doing

Mexibunny and me :)

I’ve been a bit erratic in my postings the last few weeks and I’d like to take this time for a confession-type activity. Writing, and especially this blog, is my passion. Self-expression, more rightly, is what drives me, and writing is the tool I feel most able at using. So when I write, I write because it makes me feel good to express myself. In the last few weeks there have been some things that have interrupted my usual weekly spiel. Basically, here’s a list of the things that have been taking up my time (and this I am sharing for my own selfish benefit in that it helps me sort through my priorities:

Exams

Oh gosh, there are only two things you need to study any field in life: time and memory. Really, that is all. They tell you that ability to reason is the key, but the truth is that at the end of the day our knowledge is evaluated not by someone inspecting our brains and seeing the cognitive connections we make when problem-solving, but by exams. A question for which an answer has already been assigned as right is asked. You want to pass an exam, you have to know the answer to the questions. That’s it. That’s life. How you memorize or acquire that knowledge is not important when it comes to assessments; answers, results are. Ha!

I have been studying for RACGP exams. I don’t know whether I passed or not, but right now in my life it makes little difference. In a few weeks when I know my results it will matter, but then even then, it won’t for too long. If I pass, well, I just move on with the next step. If I fail, well, I just move on with the next step, which is to study some more to take the exam again. That’s it. Everything else makes little difference. Whether I am excited or disappointed, expectant or nonchalant, makes no difference at all.

Trying my hand at new relationships

So the RACGP exams were the biggest exams of my life so far, no doubt about it. On the morning of this exam, at 3am, someone who I thought may be a worthy person in my life calls to ask a favour. Can I give them a ride to the airport? Yes, some people are considerate; others only know how to take from those of us “too nice” to let ourselves get walked on. This relationship made me realise that perhaps I am too accepting of others, that I do settle for too little, that as long as I allow others to be ok with only taking and taking from me, they will continue to do so. I have never thought that we waste our time with other people, but this relationship truly pushed me to almost believe this. I guess I can only call it not a waste of time by realising that it taught me that people like this exist  - and that I want to stay away from them.

Friends

Making friends is hard; keeping friends is even harder. When we were children all we needed to make a friend is to have them be in the same vicinity as us, and all we needed for them to remain our friends is to do the things they like, avoid things they dislike, and to apologize when we got it wrong. It’s harder as an adult. But it is so rewarding. When a friend wants to spend time with me, at my insistence or theirs, I always oblige to make it happen. It’s always a rewarding experience.

New nephew

What is it about babies? For the first few days they all look the same and do (and don’t do) the same things. You see one baby picture and you’ve seen them all, right? And yet, we can all find something about these little beings to love. Love? Yes, this is the amazing thing about humanity! We love those who offer us nothing in return, those whose only take and take and give essentially nothing in return, those about whom there is nothing “special”. And yet we all have a sense that they are unique and special human beings, full of potential, innocent, charming, entertaining, and worthy of our love, care, and protection. That’s it, that’s why babies give us that warm, fuzzy feeling.

I have a baby nephew, one of thousands born on the same day as him. What’s special about him? He does all the things that human babies do. What’s special about him is that he doesn’t need to be special, all he has to do is be the recipient to our affection and love. He asks no questions and he sets no conditions, if you want to love him he will not stop you from doing so. That’s his gift, that’s what he gives us. The bible rightly said that there is more joy is giving than receiving. It’d be good if my little nephew could love me, but the fact that I’m allowed to love him and shower him with affection is a gift to myself.

My “daughter” being sick

Mexibunny, my little pet, has been destroying my house. More recently, she has also hurt her ear so I’ve had to pay her a little more attention. She’ll be ok and it’s only minor, but I am just like the worried mothers I see every day coming in to my consulting room with their mildly-ill children terrified that they’re suffering something graver.

Family

It’s strange, they’re always there, and yet there is just something about family that makes us aware that we can’t relegate them to second place. We could skip or pass up on anything, even once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, if the alternative is to see to your family. Nothing else can justify if, not work, possibly not even our own problems; when family must be seen they must be seen. At least, that is how it is in my family.